Saturday, May 29, 2010

Symbolism - life is all symbolic

I don't know. I don't know if I agree with rebirth or not. I know that all things on earth has earth on it; simply said, all things have grown from earth. Eating, living and dying. And, upon death, the body again tends to go back to earth in one form or the other. And once back in earth, it again becomes part of the cycle that goes on to become the living organism again.

However, I find myself not in entire knowledge on this coz I don't have any personal experience to substantiate on the rebirth scenario. I don't recollect my past experience so far. It could be coz of the following things:-

1) I don't have the skill to know of those things yet.
2) I'm trying to understand something which cannot be understood but felt or known (Im not sure what Im saying here)
3) May be I'm brand new in this world - with no past exposures - yeyyyy (not sure why am I 'yeyyyying' for)

Guruji says - rebirth is there and happening. Hmmmm..I don't have as much experience as Guruji on things or neither am I close to being enlightened yet to know it all.

When my aachi (paati) was lying with out any movement or breath on 25th of may at 10:30 pm, I resorted to give her breath by blowing air through her mouth and few push and pats on her chest to make her heart beat again. Alas, my struggle didn't result in her coming back to life and looking at her body didnt evoke any great deal of emotions in me coz I knew she is gone. But, when my aunts and other people who came started crying, I realized their love and also the amount of love my aachi commanded. However, when I saw my atthais saying " amma unnai naan inime eppo ma thirumbi parka poren" - I understood what that body there stood for. It stood as symbol of what my aachi is. It is my aachi's body. I have to call it now as "aachi's body" and not as aachi as she was no more. So what are you? Are you the body, mind or soul? Mind is inside the body or is body inside the mind (thinking on the number of times we are thinking of body in mind). I know there is something else apart from these two that makes a person - it can be called as soul, prana, life force or self or whatever and what not.

But, my aachi's body there few days back stood as a symbol of my aachi - and evoked such emotions unseen. And, that makes me realize that all the things in life are symbolic. The statue of god we use to pray - is a symbol or representation of different emotions or avatars. And, even the act of praying is an expression of love and gratitude to all including oneself.

Likewise, all the gestures in life are symbols. The act of hugging a person is a way to bring the two hearts together, symbolizing closeness. The frown on the face symbolizes anger. Even words are a way to symbolize or convey something. Gestures and even the consequent action is also symbolic of something else in life.

And, my aachi (grandma) symbolized something really simple things but that are far greater in life - love, resolve, determination. She is a classy and gutsy woman. GUTSY. I underline it. It is simply stunning to know what she had to go through in life single handedly and what she stood for even till her last days.

Some tit bits about her:

1) She calls paal/pal (milk) as Vella thanni (white water) - coz Thattha name is Palvannanathan. And she like all age old tamil ladies, doesn't want to utter her husband name so calls pal as vella thanni

2) After the death of thattha (at her early age of 33), one fine day, she decided to make herself a mattress by using all the veshti's of thattha. She rolled all the veshtis of thattha and layed one on top of the other and had a separate cloth to cover the bunch of veshtis and got herself a mattress. She slept on this mattress in the floor till she was literally forced to sleep on cot only by doctors few years back.

3) My mom (whatever difference of opinion apart) has such a great level of admiration for her in-law that she had sent a write up about her life,how she struggled and how she got the entire family to survive the hard times to a tamil magazine called, Mangaiyar Mazhar. This was sent few years back. This was her pure admiration of this woman - not coz she was her in-law. Actually, nowadays, in-law and admiration are antonyms :D

4) She was instrumental in many members of her family being in job or getting the first job in the early days of 1970's and 80's.

5) And, she has been with me ever since I was born. My aachi.

Tuesday, May 25, 2010


Somebody who has been part of my life, my self from my very birth - is no longer there PERIOD

It feels weird for me to even blog now but I have only blog to just scribble.

I guess I will realize the effect of this loss only in days to come.

Some part of me says that this is life


Sunday, May 9, 2010

Rested -> Felt like Rusted -> Now, the urge is back. I can sense it

I got rested off late due to changing project requirements and project change. But I guess the rusting started even before the resting.

And - guess this rusting is due to the age old knowledge - lack of activity. Thanks to rusting, I feel the sense of uneasiness in me growing up for a long time now and has reached its culmination. And, I feel, despite the rustiness I would be able to at top of my performance in a very short span of time and notice. I mean it.

However, the afore statement should not be interpreted as an indicator of the way I used my spare time. Well - most of it sort of got whiled away in one activity or other. And, that his in a sort of increased the urge more.

And, I feel I'm ready to do lots of things that I want to do - really lots of things. Work majorly and my interest in the same. I have all the tools, and just waiting to rev it up. Let those times come - and I will post pretty soon on the same as well.