Sunday, July 22, 2018

Life philosophy



பறவை ஓட குணமே பறக்கிறது தான் டா.
வாழ்வா சாவா என்று அது முடிவு பண்ணட்டும் 
உன்னோட இந்த கருணை சாவை விட கொடுமை ஆனது 

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உண்மை ஓட குணமும் 


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நான் வருவேன்

நான் வருவேன் ??





https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ii_OzvtqHa4&t=111m50s
watch fully from this point onwards - 15 mins.

In the movie Raavanan, Maniratnam brings out a different perspective, some reflecting on the historical Raavan/Raman debate. He will convey it through the characters played in the movie. The true underlying character and motivation of the Dev - Raman (Prithviraj) character was brought out at 1hr:51m,51s. When I first watched it, I was wondering why would this Dev whatever person be speaking/implying such bad things about Ragini - Seetha character (Aishwarya), married wifeespecially after what had happened. I was shocked and taken aback and felt like - oh this is bad. When Dev kept implying badness about Ragini, she reprimanded him. She kept contesting it first few times, reprimanding him and then later when she was hurt, she chose to walk away, in anger, disappointment and also to get justice/clarification for what was told by Dev. She met Veera - Raavanan (Vikram) to seek clarification - rightful clarification, to establish the truth. When she met veera, she asked what he had told to Dev and when Veera said the truth - as is - she was relieved. But more than relieved at that moment, she would also reveal that - Dev (her husband) said wrongly about her. Now, she said that truth to the man - who had kidnapped her to kill her. Veera character, however, was startled that Dev said such bad things - SP ஏன் சந்தேகம் படறாரு ? காரணம் காரியம் இல்லாமையா ? Veera realizes and connects that dot, he deduced the actual motivation of such an ill implied "vanmam" in the words. True to his deduction, the ill advised words were said with motivation and cleverly calculated to lead to the killing of Veera itself.

Now, if I overlay the above scenario to what had happened in the past, it looks eerily similar. Beyond the initial enquiry, everything else had been motivated and calculated, to achieve what whatever wants ONLY, at any cost. Why would such an ill advised word - pros - be said? If not to attack the moral character and break the will power and intimidate somebody. Why would calls come to one's place/appa, if not to throw aspersion on character and force one to withdraw? When somebody conveyed intent, multiple times, why was it not listened to and family invoked always? why go back on the word told at airport when one showed up at the door? Even a year later, why would words such as "neenga nimmadhiyave iruka vida matten" ? [Completely ignorant of the fact that I had given up (unable to yet painfully said lip service) - considering somebody's hardships/ability and amma]. Why would calls come again to one's place when somebody else had conveyed the intent ? Why? And question like - eppadi valurthu irukeenga to all parents? who is whatever to give certificate freely to others except himself ? And the disgusting amorous activity afterwards - despite medications - whether considered new life for whatever or otherwise, is it based on true consent? Or was that true consent never sought or even understood or if understood, kept quiet and worked everything else to make things work - the thing that whatever wanted at all cost. காரணம் காரியம் இல்லாமையா? Irupadhu thappu illa anal irukradhu nu theriyanum....puriyanum. Irundhalum adhuthavanga unarvu illama namma karanam kaariyam mattum panna - adhu unmaiye kidyadhu. Poli. After kind of putting somebody in cage or realizing somebody is in cage, against wish, isn't taking care of them the least anybody can do, given that is what all the motivated action was directed towards. 

Genuineness is innate or born with - but it is also by choice. Why am I able to see the motivation and calculation now - while somebody is not able to see? I could have also behaved with motivation and chose to not be that way - painfully and sadly for me. Even now, I'm speaking all sides while none would even utter a single word of good for me. And, I'm really saying for manasatchi - better to be at-least true. Assuming, what I say is true. Nevertheless, I can be genuine and true but cannot afford to be fool. I believe in people (airport) but I cannot afford to fail in deducing the actual motivation, at-least at this point, in light of all that had happened. As it had happened in that scene, those motivation had already kind of killed/erased me - violently and medically too. 

At this point, I'm really afraid if I can - நான் வருவேன்?? - given the timed தவிப்பு at the manasu level. Heck, in that scene, Ragini character tried to protect Veera, the kidnapper, from the gunshots of Dev by coming to the front. Alas, I was not protected so far - wish atleast an attempt made to save me now :( ?

Raavanan - Naan Varuven | ராவணன் - நான் வருவேன்

ராவணன் - நான் வருவேன்





நான் வருவேன் 
மீண்டும் வருவேன் 
உன்னை நான் தொடர்வேன் 
உயிரால் தொடுவேன்

ஒரு பிள்ளை எழுதும் கிறுக்கல் தான் வாழ்க்கையோ 
அதில் அர்த்தம் தேடி அலைவதே வேட்கைய 
அர்த்தம் புரியும் போது வாழ்வு மாறுது 
வாழ்வு கழியும் போது அர்த்தம் மாறுது

ஒரு கனவு காற்றில் மிதக்குதோ 
அது மிதந்து கொண்டு சிரிக்குதோ 




lyric source: http://www.lyricaldelights.com/2014/07/17/raavavan-naan-varuven/

Friday, July 20, 2018

Clinging


In The Arms Of A Beautiful Dream cosleeping print by Katie m. Berggren

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Image source: https://www.pinterest.com/pin/837177018204917010/

Being a kid (ponnu), one can cling on to amma. 

Being a ponnu, one can ask questions like - what you said you wanted to do and what you are doing ? accountable

Being a ponnu, one can feel scared if somebody will leave and go, like it had happened before.

Alas, one is not a kid to cling on (atleast visibly)
Adhnale ennamo, puriyave illaya ? இழப்பு/தவிப்பு. Easily forsaken ?


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image source: https://chicago.suntimes.com/news/at-chicago-shelters
-kids-separated-at-border-from-parents-await-reunions/

Tuesday, July 17, 2018

இழப்பு

இழப்பு





Just as Kamal character says at 1:18s and seen fully from then on,


உன்னை விட எனக்கு தான் துக்கம் கூட. எல்லா நிலைமையிழும், எல்லா முயற்சியும் பண்ணி, உனக்கு + எல்லாருக்கும் (அம்மா) வலிக்க கூடாது எனபதற்காக 2 முறை விட்டு குடுத்த எனக்கு, இந்த முறை என்னையவே வெட்டு (cut) குடுக்க, தயாராகாமல் தயார் ஆக வேண்டி இருக்கு


...
உன்னன விட இழப்பு எனக்கு தான் கூட. எப்போவுமே.

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...
தப்பு இல்லையா என்று கேட்குறே ?

உணர்வுகளை மருந்தால் அழித்து கரைத்தது தப்பு இல்லையா ? பொய் சொல்லி, சுயநலமா, திருடி, உரிமை மற்றும் உணர்வு மறுத்து, கூடவே புடிச்சி வச்சி இருக்கிறது தப்பு இல்லையா
இப்போ அதே கரு உருவான பொது, சட்டு என்று சூழ்நிலை கருதி அழித்து விட்டு, உடனே இப்படி நடக்கிறது தப்பு இல்லையா? எப்போவுமே அம்மா என்று நினைக்குற உனக்கு, அம்மா என்று அழைத்த உயிரை, 9 ஆண்டுகளுக்கு மேல் மனதில் சுமந்து, எடுத்து சொல்ற அநீதி, உனக்கு தப்பு இல்லையா?

புத்திக்கு தெரியுது, மனசுக்கு தெரியலே - எனக்கு ரெண்டுமே ஒன்னு தான். 

மனசுக்கு பிடித்த ஒண்ணுக்கு தான் இப்படி மனசு-புத்தி பாடு படும், பிடிக்காத ஒன்றுக்கு இல்லை. பொய்க்கு/போலிக்கு இப்படி படாது. அப்படி என்றல் நான் பொய்யோ என்னமோ ?? 

Just as Kamal character says at the end -

புத்திசாலித்தனம் என்று ரெண்டு உயிரும் இருக்கனும் வேண்டாதே - நடக்காது :'(

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எந்த ஒரு விஷயமும் கேட்டு வாங்கறது/கிடைக்கிறது எனக்கு அவ்வளவா புடிக்காது, குறிப்பா உணர்வுகள் சம்மந்த பட்டது.

ஆனால் கேட்ட கூட கிடைக்காது, எந்த ஒரு நிலையிலும், ஒரு நம்பிக்கை கூட கிடைக்காது, அதுக்கு கூட தகுதி அற்றவன், அப்படி என்று உணரும் போது :(

Monday, July 16, 2018

Irony

Even the people who believe in god, won't believe in the principles (that made him god) he/she spoke of. Then, what is the belief in god ?

If somebody speaks of the same principles in life, forget being respected, they are not even believed or cared for.



The different avatarams of god (story or otherwise) talks about him/her coming to resolve the அநீதி. If the same is asked by any living soul, they are disregarded and neglected.

Things as simple as online shopping or offline shopping or amazon prime day or panividai is more than enough to get all involved happily and neglect/keep on neglecting anything 'else', as that always becomes the outcome. Whatever I wished for - kambili poochi or thoughts or what not - in as is post all stand no chance in the face of all care given and taken and multi-vitamin 'special' supplements of this special time. Presence eh illama....watte comedy by me - paithiyum me....phew :D


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Irony



Saturday, July 14, 2018

Chinna Thayaval | சின்ன தாயவள்

சின்ன தாயவள்



Once again, another wonderful composition from Isagnani Ilayaraja in the movie Thalapathy. Music, especially the background music by Ilayraja was playing a role as much as any of the main cast in this movie by Mani Ratnam - who is an atheist and made the wonderfully poignant Ravanan movie that showed characters from different perspective.

I had a habit of sharing Thalaivar's Then madurai Vaigai nadhi song - for friends birthday in Facebook. It is a wonderful song and probably one of the best birthday songs, in my opinion. Strangely, until recently, none has shared me a Thalaivar song, repeatedly. The music and words in this song convey emotions and feelings that far outlive the times. I'm ever thankful for the love that shared this song - a தாலாட்டு/lullaby that I seek, as she is a சின்ன தாய் as well.

Having said that, even in this song- a forsaken/abandoned son - sees the mother from a distance and the stifled emotional feelings are captured. I recently updated my as is blog at the end for the forsaken feeling. It is such a hard feeling - one I never wished on somebody ever and bear all the disappointments/pain - with the hope that being true will turn things around.



In the above video, if one were to see it fully, there are many things that can be commented about. At 2 min :12 sec when the police officer enquires Rajini, the emotion that comes out is a true testament to being forsaken/abandoned. While in the movie, it is about biological mother/son and the intensity is naturally high, the feeling nevertheless is same even otherwise for any forsaken soul.

Maniratnam would have have also shown a wonderful love between Rajini/Shobana, which is one of my favorite till date, that unfortunately didn't result in them being together. As we can see from this video, it is the father, who is like a god figure to the girl, taking a stand against it due to his own beliefs. Even after having being told that his daughter likes Rajini, he says it will happen on my dead body - clearly putting his views ahead of his daughter and her well being. At any rate, it was Shobana who agrees to abide by this as respect for her father and as a show of love for him. The question is - what would have Arvind Swamy done if he had known of the love of the girl he is about to marry or even after marriage ? Maniratnam crafted Arvind swamy character with such integrity/honesty - he was shown as reciting அச்சமில்லை அச்சமில்லை அச்சமென்ப தில்லையே to his father itself - he is likely to respect the girl's wish, despite it being against one's own. While it is not uncommon for parents to be extra protective and enforce their views on kids, it is still parents and although being wrong, it can evolve to be an obligation/respect/love angle for children to abide. However, how can one explain whatever enforcing his views/deceit/selfish/amorous needs ahead of the girls genuine wish and not stepping back? One can pardon the unwillingness for the first time due to shock or trying to look for oneself. But to go back on the word said in airport is nothing short of deceit and cheating. From then on, it is nothing short of deceit and silent deceit/cheating. To top it, even after repeated attempts, if the struggle of somebody is not felt everyday, what does it say about the true underlying character? And to continue in that context - disgustingly amorously all the time - and provide care/love ONLY acc to their wishful context and not address the real reason in meetings, is NOT genuine. To perceive it as one - Fuck that crap. Fuck That Crap. FUCK THAT CRAP

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Anyways, the truly forsaken soul, will only search for the madi - as it happened. 





However, to be repeatedly forgotten, ignored and as a choice, eventually forsaken (for lies, panividai, deceit), is too painful. Yetநனி நன்றி - as I miss. What chance do I or the feelings/truth I have shared have amidst the plethora of other emotions/activities/events/relations/weekends/considerations/obligations/AMAZONPRIME/compulsions/nadippu/sarasari/calls/moodswings/busy life? So, with the just a final hope for truth having a chance, for manasatchi sake, I have to regretfully, unwillingly, forsake myself. 

Friday, July 13, 2018

Nee Paartha Paarvai ku oru Nandri | நீ பார்த்த பார்வைக்கொரு நன்றி

Nee Paartha Paarvai ku oru Nandri | நீ பார்த்த பார்வைக்கொரு நன்றி





One of the most beautiful songs of Maestro Isagnani Ilayaraja - நீ பார்த்த பார்வைக்கொரு நன்றி. Any rendition of piano music tucks at my heart and the music that starts this song is just the hook I have always fell for, to keep on listening to it. Apparently, Ilayaraja was not the initial composer for this movie and somebody else was meant to do it and he bowed out. Ilayaraja agreed to complete the music and this song was composed after the song was already shot.


நீ பார்த்த பார்வைக்கொரு நன்றி! 
நமைச் சேர்த்த இரவுக்கொரு நன்றி! 
அயராத இளமை சொல்லும் நன்றி நன்றி! 
அகலாத நினைவு சொல்லும் நன்றி நன்றி!
நான் என்ற சொல் இனி வேண்டாம் 
நீ என்பதே இனி நான் தான் 
இனிமேலும் வரம் கேட்கத்தேவை இல்லை 
இது போல் வேரெங்கும் சொர்கம் இல்லை 
உயிரே வா
நாடகம் முடிந்தபின்னாலும் நடிப்பின்னும் தொடர்வது என்ன? 
ஓரங்க வேடம் இனி போதும் பெண்ணே! 
உயிர் போகும் மட்டும் உன் நினைவே கண்ணே! 
உயிரே வா




Continuing in the essence of this song, I think it is fitting to share a poem by lyricist Na Muthukumar (who left us all too soon).






A facebook post about Na Muthukumar had the following wonderful snippet - 

இன்றும் நா.முத்துக்குமாரின் வெற்றிடம் பதிவு செய்யப்பட்டுக்கொண்டே இருக்கிறது. எந்தவொரு ஆளுமை இறந்தாலும் பேரிழப்பு என்று சொல்வது வழக்கம். நா.முத்துக்குமாரின் இன்மை என்பது பேரிழப்பையும் தாண்டி சொல்லொணாத் துயர். துயர் எழுதிக்கொண்டிருக்கும் கவிதைகளுக்கு உரை எழுதவேணும் நா.முத்துக்குமார் திரும்ப வேண்டும். திரும்பப்போவதில்லை என்பது இயற்கை. ஏங்குவதும் கூட இயற்கை தான். ஏங்கவைப்பவர்களே ஆறுதல் அளிப்பதும் கூட இயற்கையாக இருப்பதால் நா.முத்துக்குமாரின் எழுத்து மிகப்பெரிய ஆறுதல். பேரிழப்பின் ஆதி ஆறுதல்.

In life, weakness is imaginary.

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Realize. Wisely. Live truthfully. Live.

Monday, July 9, 2018

As is

I like writing. I like writing/scribbling down my thoughts and musings - random or otherwise, I write. I take good care in my effort to articulate my thoughts as clear as possible - these writings will reflect me over the years. There is a long pending blog post - about inequality - that is almost 3+ years in the making. Although I have not been actively working on it, whenever I come across any article or video or any information that I can use for this post, I save it. I intend to complete it sometime but I'm going to use one of the images of that post in here as well. Off late, sometimes, I use songs as a metaphorical medium to convey certain intent. I find this useful to retain the abstract'ness' of my post and also hope to not reveal more than necessary. This keeps the blog post applicable and attributable for various reasons and scenarios. Also, it allows me to be lazy and not write more but still convey, in some crude form or otherwise, some meaning alongside the video/song post. However, in this blog post, I intend to remove a layer or two of the abstract nature and hope to write - as is.

Timing

Timing and me have always been having a strange relationship. In some cases, I have had the fortune of good timing. But, in many cases, it has not been so. For instance, the current quagmire with regard to the immigration influenced job related events, for lack of better word, is unfolding like a slow disaster that ought to be addressed sooner than later. There literally was nothing that I could have done to anticipate certain things ahead as these processes were supposed to happen as status quo and nothing out of ordinary was expected. However, things happened exactly the opposite manner and I reacted based on it and assessed the outcomes that can help in my current set up - as is - and followed up on those lines for few weeks. Later, after concluding it may not work, I decided to look other ways too. And, even outside, the process is dragging and the elusive break through, based on few preference, is yet to happen and I hope it occurs soon. Having said that, the card dealt to me was bad - on timing wise - in terms of immigration related work authorization. Wherever I could think ahead last year, I did and there was literally nothing I could have done different to alter the current situation - but for having ventured a guess/assumption correctly the current outcome.

Timing wise, there is another thing that has kind of haunted me since a long time. Although I had done all that I could even at that time, it was a wrong timing issue but amenable nevertheless. Anyways, coming to the present moment, in one of my earlier blog post Hurt, I had spoken about the raw form of the hurt and that is so true. Despite all my other activities and distractions, the feel of hurt is so heavy that I can literally drown in it's weight. It is physically perceptible, especially when I'm alone and the heaviness can literally sink me. It is hard to describe it and may even be laughing matter for people who may not have visibility in to the entirety of the context. But to have the events happen as it did and to be disregarded, even in thoughts wise, is something one can never prepare for. It is worse than death.

Come to think of it, the whole thing from the beginning has multiple emotions/feelings and many other things but if I can make an attempt at classifying them, can briefly put it in to these boxes - feelings/emotions, the way the events had happened and the subsequent wronged angle. While it is hard to keep aside any of these, just for argument sake, I try to keep aside (momentarily) the first two things and look at the wronged angle in detail. What is this wronged angle? I have a deep feeling of wronged, being tricked and deceived, ever so cleverly and ever so skillfully, and quietly. I feel wronged not just for myself. I feel wronged even for the whole thing - the emotions/feelings - it is just wrong, at multiple levels. Now, for the feeling wronged, am I seeking anything? May be, I'm. I never really thought that is something I ought to do. But, it has to happen or I had hoped for it. 

Now, what is that I had hoped for? From my point of view, what is the feeling I have? Is it justice or revenge? In a moment of rage, these two feelings can overlap and sometimes they both seem one and the same (at that moment). However, I have seen a definition that clearly differentiated between both. And, they are never the same.

Justice is about harmony (afterwards). Revenge is about one (affected one) making oneself feel better (afterwards).

Thankfully, I have always been speaking of the word - நீதி. Also, one will seek revenge for their own, right ? Even if I may feel somebody as my own, what right would I have if I was not offered the same feeling of belonging back ? How can I seek revenge, if at all ? Even if I wanted revenge, why would I let go and talk about all other considerations many times before? And let go ?? Having said these, when some can conveniently deny the truth and continue to do so, where will I ever go, if at all ? The thing with truth is - it is same - for everybody. May be, this is the reason why I have always felt uncomfortable/bothered - as truth is covered up somewhere, and I'm part of the truth, my ability to be true, also gets covered up. Anyways, whatever. I didn't need to look at all these subtle layers in the wronged feeling and analyze them but doing it, just so I can be able to clear things for myself, at the very least. But, question remains, is there true sense of harmony - inside? Outside can be faked/time will make it norm but inside pulungifying ? Harmony ?




As this above tweet says, I have always strived to get people to form their own opinion and never forced, at least on important things. Come to think of it, right after my first yes+, I had arranged for my first intro talk at Ascendas in sep 2007 and nothing really came out of it. I never pushed anybody or forced them incessantly. And, participation eventually happened later in 2008 June during Yes+ utsav program. I'm still the same way - have spoken for all sides and consequences, although none had ever spoken for my side or the whole "wronged" side ever. Ever. Manipulation - me? haha. I'm too naive for all these things. I don't know to say one thing at airport and then later completely behave opposite of it when somebody claimed something that whatever didn't like. I'm too naive to shout abuses at somebody - pros - or whatever, that too just after 40 days of whatever crap time spent just coz events are unfolding (sadly so) truly but in a manner they didn't want. It continued to unfold in this manner umpteen times. I'm too naive to wish things like - neenga nimmadhiya irukave vida matten, when somebody took a stand against whatever. Manipulation and me. Haha. I can never pull of such a gruesome thing and not have it shown on my face or not feel guilty/remorseful and let go. Heck, I only know to keep saying you don't owe me anything.



The above is an image from the wonderful movie - moodar koodam - and I would like to use this phrase in my "inequality" post as well. It defines - what is stealing - it is not just the act of taking something inappropriately, it is also the act of preventing somebody from taking what is theirs. How is it applicable here ? Well, do I need to elaborate that as well - the umpteen instances when somebody said about not belonging somewhere - even up to the events in 2010, how did whatever behave ? On top of this, when events were forced and when somebody landed after medication and still under medication, what amorous activities happened ? How ? Really ? Any expression/emotion that originated henceforth - after such an amorous activity - is an insult - to the word genuine itself. To perceive it as genuine.......

Fuck that crap. Fuck that crap. FUCK.THAT.CRAP.

Related image

Genuine is letting go and standing helpless despite doing all that can possibly be done. Genuine is letting go even when one can capitalize/manipulate somebody when they had power but choosing to not do that and giving a proper advice, despite it being against one's want. I heard a saying - "fair weather good people" - those who are good only in fair weather. If the weather turns bad, then they also likely turn bad. People's character ought to be judged not when things happen according to their way, but how they are when it didn't. Also, abide, abide, abide/inevitable, sarasari - won't some cells in the body have some indignation or rowthiram or dhariyum or bit of honor to avoid this amorous crap? I wish gazillions of gazillion googol billion crawling kambili poochi on each cell/atom/proton/neutron/electron in the current set up. Patience is not a virtue of whatever when status quo itself is the ideal solution that there is - as any shake up of it will result in jeopardy of status quo. Hence, why will anybody be not patient? If there was genuineness, won't the inner struggles of somebody be not perceptible so far? If perceived, was the true nature understood and the hard choices it warrants, considered and discussed? Or let somebody else struggle and undergo a 'sacrifice' for whatever's sake nu easier "meetings" alone conducted? Why must a sacrifice even be continued if it is well known/realized as sacrifice? Also, when somebody took a stand, instead of ack it, if their stand is threatened saying - neenga nimmadhiyave iruka vida matten, is that genuine ? Chuck me in that neenga - I don't need to be cared for. But what about somebody else that they supposedly SHOW as having feelings love for ? Is that genuine? The answer is obvious - it is never genuine - these are acts of grabbing (stealing) somebody and later trying a hard selling of care and affection to make up for their inability to be genuine. On top of it, unconditional vera ketkadhu - thu.




As the above quote from buddha says, it is hard to keep truth hidden. What is true for me is the fact that I'm forsaken. I have always been forsaken. There was never really a physical presence but what recently happened was the most hardest thing ever - forsaken even from the thought wise. Forsaken is actually a smaller word compared to the hurt. In the past, I could attribute circumstances and others and other reasons for being forsaken but this time, it was not the case and that hurt the most. However, that is the truth. I'm sad coz - there is an innate way to me - enthusiastic, energetic, spark in my eyes, playful etc. On all likelihood, those are my spirit. I always retain them. I feel they may have gone from me and that hurts me :( coz it is so sad, for myself. Anyways, let's see.....is asking for some love to be shown such a bad thing ?

Reality creates it's own truth over time and due to the context. While that aspect of it cannot be denied, reality may not replace or erase certain core aspect of truth, hidden or otherwise. Anyways, while I may appear to have the ability to accommodate many things now, I do have righteous anger and it is not that somebody had not done any mistakes whatsoever. There have been many. It is just the context that forced such a mistake has superseded these mistakes but they are still disgusting as hell. If possible, I will square the kambili poochi count of the above - crawling even for panividai's/inevitable/sarasari/whatever. And square that count with thoughts of me all over. all around. all places. all time. all activities. all situations. in every nanosecond of visual/hearing/feeling/breathing living moments that not a single breath can go in/out without this thought. Always. Enough said. And, I wish/want to show some of my anger but I want to have some rightful context to even express them. Also, for the feeling of amma, ironically, in 2008 Yes+ utsav, Bawa said - "one can absolutely love their parents and completely disobey them". Actually, love and discipline/obeying need not be mutually exclusive, especially in some of the things like study or passion or things like the ones being discussed. Anyways, I was considerate of this aspect as well - only to be like a fool. Even now :D. Nevertheless, timing wise, it is amenable.

Btw, if there are some feelings in aazh manasu, as being claimed, and yet I have felt this way due to truth, what will "mana'saakshi" feel if truth reveals itself in the most honest way in the future? or when manasaatchi keeps searching for the truth? May be this is what I have always been trying to say. Anyways, in the below video of buddha quotes, the aspect of anger and clinging on - is applicable to me. May be. But hey, what am I clinging on if I gave up myself with the request of being true? So may be not. Not sure. 

Is asking for some love to be shown such a bad thing? Anyways, what right do I have or ever had, as isWho am I to have my feelings matter?




After all this, it is time for one realization. As I had mentioned earlier in this post about forsaken and in my earlier blog - Hurt - too, forsaken is true. I have always been forsaken. Either for convenience/pressure/fear/deceit/lies or what not, the eventual outcome is, I'm forsaken.

Sadly, this time, I chose to do it myself. While all the things I have mentioned above and spoken/asked/demanded remains as is, I don't have the strength to- 

  • see somebody struggle/hurt - to live their truth. I still maintain that living the truth, understanding deceit/cheat of whatever and being just/honest is best in everybody interest.
  • withstand yet another forsaken/abandonment. It is, as I mentioned above, worse than death.

I still cannot fathom how whatever can have strength to see somebody suffer this loooooonnnnng silently for their deceit/cheat/selfish nature and yet be able to ask for unconditional love and progeny vera. Thuuuuu. 

Adhe vera kudukranga paaru - cha. அழிந்து. கரைந்து. ஒழியட்டும்.






I only wish a chance for truth to be true - regardless of weakness or guts or pressure or deceit. This I ask with no concern or regards for I/one. None. Anyways, the above tweets sums it up well - especially, the first tweet and the date/timing of it was a sad prophecy of me, to myself. 

So, I forsake myself.

Thursday, July 5, 2018

Pariyerum Perumal

Pariyerum Perumal 



அடி கருப்பி என்
கருப்பி நகதடமே என்
பாத நீ இல்லாத காட்டில்
நான் எப்படி தான்
திரிவேனோ

கருப்பி என் கருப்பி
நான் பேசுறது கேக்குதா என்
அழுகையும் கேக்குதா அந்த
ரயிலின் அடியில் சிக்கி
செதறி இதயம் கத்தும்
வலியும் வேதனையும்
கேக்குதா

இப்ப உடனே நான்
உன்ன பாக்கணும் மூக்கில்
முகம் வச்சி ஒரசனும் உன்
நாக்கில் நக்கி என் அழுக்க
கழுவி போகணும் எங்க
ந்தா உன்ன பாக்கலாம்

இறந்தது நீயா இருப்பது
நானா இருப்பது நீயா இறந்தது
நானா நம்மள கொன்னவன்
யாருன்னு எனக்கு நல்ல
தெரியும் அங்க செத்தது
யாருன்னு அவனுக்கு
மட்டும் தான் புரியும்


அழிஞ்சது நீயா ஓ ஓ ஓ
அழுவது நானா ஓ ஓ ஓ
அழுவது நீயா ஓ ஓ ஓ
அழிஞ்சது நானா

எந்திரி கருப்பி
அம்மா கூப்புடுறா குளிக்க
போகணும் எந்திரிடி ஏன் டி
பேசல என் கூட என்னடி
நடந்திச்சி ங்

வலிய தாங்காம
துடிச்சியா கடைசி நிமிஷம்
என்ன நெனைச்சியா உன்ன
கொல்லும் போது அவன்
சிரிச்சானா நீ கொரைக்கும்
போது அவன் மொறைச்சானா

உன் கிட்ட படிச்சி
படிச்சி சொன்னேனே
கேட்டியா யார் கூப்டு நீ
போன ஏன் டி போன
எத்தன தடவ சொல்லி
இருக்கேன் எல்லா மனுசனும்
இங்கே ஒன்னு ல்ன்னு


வளத்து ணைக்குறவன்
கழுத்த நெரிக்கிறவன் கண்ண
தடவுறவன் கால நொடிக்கிறவன்
கொன்னு சிரிக்கிறவன் நின்னு
அழுகுறவன்


கருப்பன் செவப்பன்
சாமி சாத்தான் அடிமை
ஆண்டான் மயிரு மட்ட


ஆயிரம் மனுஷன்
உண்டுன்னு உனக்கு
அப்போவே சொன்னேன்
கேட்டியா நீ


நாளைக்கு வந்து
அப்பா கேப்பாரு நான்
என்னடி பதில் சொல்லுவேன்
உன்ன எங்கன்னு சொல்லுவேன்
எங்கடி இருக்க நீ

எந்திரி கருப்பி
எந்திரி கருப்பி எந்திரி
கருப்பி எந்திரி கருப்பி

ரெண்டு காலிலோ
நாலு காலிலோ இந்த
மண்ணிலே உலவிட்டு
கெடக்க நாய் இல்லடி நீ
நான் இல்லையா நீ


-----------

When I heard this song for the first time (early march), the pain in it hit me hard as the emotions were raw. It is to the director's credit - music & movie director - to have a song on dog with emotions so strong and pure that it can be metaphorically perceived even for a person. Anyways, as I heard this song, instead of focussing just on the pain aspect, my thoughts immediately drifted to the stanza which talks about different kinds of people and the aspect of care that would be expressed in it. I immediately envisioned & applied the 'care' feeling to the people I love/care and I always tend to do it - I put care ahead of pain. However, recent events have shown to me that may be I(one) should care for oneself too. If not always, but occasionally at the very least and especially if there is none to care and even offer (or refuse) a thought/consideration.