In one of my earlier posts, un-changing, I had mentioned about how some songs just transport me back in time. Happened to think of this song and I immediately played it on youtube, closed my eyes and just listened to it. Although I like the way this song was pictured or shot visually, I just wanted to listen to it. My thoughts wandered to the year 2006 and for some reason, my memory serves this song with Chennai's rainy season, night time cab rides and the wet roads. May be that is when I have heard this song often. I'm also able to recollect my home from 2007, where I remember humming this song in the hall while watching it on TV. At 1:41, I love how Jo would slip in to the chair nonchalantly after the camera just moved past it and pretend as if she had been sitting all the time. Likewise, at 4:32, va anbe, neeyum vandhai, how Jo would just walk right in to the stretched arms of Surya (although holding the railings) as if it is her place and also like a lego piece completing him. Btw, I have always loved the Black or dark blue blazer with blue shirt combination of Surya's costume. Also, I have always tried to hum the following bits and would still try now as well:
at 3:16 oooooh oh oh oh oho oh oooooho ohhhooooo and will end up losing my breath.
at 4:40 ye ye ye ye ye yayi yayi yayiii
In 2006, this song came across like a breath of fresh air, synonyms with the name of the movie - chillunu oru kadhal. I like almost all the songs of this movie - it all felt new but more so in a calming soothing way. In a recent interview, Jo shared that this song was not shot in NY, contrary to the name of the song. I realized this the first time I saw this song as the landscape and the city background shown at various times felt distinctly not NY and more like European.
May be Human is Divine. What is divine ? why this term divine or god - used to compare human? Why can't be human be just human. Btw, how is the "term" god different from the "term" good ? Trouble is - there is no single definition of what is good. What is good can be totally otherwise in a different set up or later time or may be not. The difficulty is determining what is good or bad - may be it is all a perspective (something I wrote a long while back - about 14-15 years ago). So what is god then ? ok too much of a digression and wandering on this topic. In an earlier post - Aham Brahmasmi - I shared a video. In this post, I'm going to share a bunch of them - ones that I have liked. May be Human is Divine
Evan da saami ? Aham Brahmasmi
அக்கரமத்தை பார்த்து கொதிச்சு எழுறே அத்தனை பேரும் சாமி தான் டா
சாமியே உள்ளேயே வச்சிக்கிட்டு வெளிய தேடுறாங்க
முன்ன பின்ன தெரியாத ஒரு பையனுக்காக கண்ணீர் விடுறே அந்த மனசு இருக்கே, அது தான் கடவுள். என் னா நானும் கடவுள்.
புரியலே லே - புரிய கூடாது அதான் கடவுள்
Anbe Sivam - has a bunch of good scenes. Link 1: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fk62UuX3rHw Link 2: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d7BIFuWmt3s
God is nowhere --> god is now here This is probably one of the best scenes where the need for god is discussed in realistic terms.
haha - in this video, at 13 secs, my name comes :) “நானும் இல்லையடி நாதனும் இல்லையடி: தானும் இல்லையடி: சற்குரு இல்லையடி" I would like to make the title for this video like this. God is nowhere <--> god is now here
Pulling in to a pit ? If I ever had any intent to do anything like that, I would have not done what I had done in 2010. I let go, said the painful words and behaved selflessly despite all the odds. Anybody willing to put somebody in pit or to trouble them/family, won't have done that. Enough said. Sometimes, one ought to trust. At-least, not humiliate.
கல்லால் அடித்த அடி வலிக்கவில்லை உன் சொல்லால் அடித்த அடி வலிக்குதடி
As the 'As is' post, this post will likely be as is... Timing There is a timing concern - on work which I had touched upon on the initial blog. It is a concern that for some reason seem to drag along without the elusive break, yet. Also, timing is a major concern on something else - in another context, where I fear my own expiry. Alas, even this feeling wise/fear too, it all starts and ends with me :(
I will keep updating this post as this is one heck of an emotional ride..... Update: Hahah so much easy writing this post.....phew. I can't put to words all that goes in mind....I will try to throw some random words and skip rest of it..... I can't do it.
- aama illa aama illa aama illa - kadupu le "pros" words came it seems. then me ? what about thyself ? the one who felt the actions of those words and stood alone, always alone - brutally. why no kaduppu le words came from me? Words reveal motives
- Mature. I have been mature when the most hard moments came and gave up for the sake of the larger good. Why, I thought being true will result in reciprocation from all else. What did I get ? - Even now I worry if I what I say/ask/advice will be interpreted as immature ? have I thought about hard outcomes etc ? Yes, I have. Yet, what I ask is what I ask. What I say is true. Hard or otherwise.
- However, who am I to even give up - what right I even have?? - when I had been forsaken so easily. It doesn't matter if I so deeply believe somebody belonged/belog to me - however/whenever - to realize that feeling was never concerned/cared for and reciprocated in action ever, it all falls apart. On top of it, to know the life that was done - my goodness, that was just so dis-respectful and hurting. Enough said. It is not that not knowing about that context would make hurt go away. It is just being that way, there - hurts. Just being there hurts. hard. idhe vidava kashtam iruka mudiyum? வா டி. - what words. (na & all). what emotions. what actions. what smileys. what angeekaram. robe eh innum haunt pannudhu...idhule vera ennamo vera :(. ennalamo. - iraiva. - while somebody always chose to abide.....to expectation or other thing or their own wishes, I have always been offering out of the way stuff, why? - Duplicity - hurt me .....saying one and being otherwise hurt me the most. Even now, after hearing all I said, what happened in June? that too after a context that got formed on it's own. To destroy that and to go on to create current mess, artificially, the planning, the works all behind my back. Why? For what ? To realize all these happening since the time of my ping - even in feb, march, april - only May got skipped or what not and in June. Phew. I didn't intend to ruin any situation/raja vazkai or demand what I said to be done but to even not offer any consideration to me - given it is me who is speaking/expressing - phew. I said what I felt or advice as is + what is good, real good not temporary or fake :( Btw, ippo kooda enkitta irundhu endha words um varliye - for all aama/illa and what had happened. words reveal motives. words show you care. - Lack of response. While I always assumed the lack of response - emotional or otherwise - due to the context, I'm forced to now think if this is due to the fact that those emotions/feelings of somebody have found another shoulders wherever whatever ? :'( Somebody may have no idea how much it hurts - the above sentence - coz it is with very very very few people one is sensitive & there will ever be any expectation ever - and to have those denied/go away/ willingly avoided just like that - is just hurtful denial of an unexplainable order. I never did this - ever. Forsaken is a small tiny word.
Anyways, all I ever wanted to post was - நான் ஒரு நாலு தடவை கூடவா சொல்லி இருக்க மாட்டேன் ? yet why the hesitation even now. And here I was saying about kambili poochi and gazillion thoughts - stupid funny foolish innocent ignorant me. yet back to school or 'P-vitamins' would take current consideration over what I had mentioned/asked etc. Sometimes (at-least sometimes, at-least now), doing the right thing matters more than being away or feeling undeserving or going thru pain or what not. Right now, it is the timing issue - do atleast this. Nevertheless, it appears like - நான் ஒரு நாலு தடவை கூடவா சொல்லி இருக்க மாட்டேன் ? Anyways, what right do I even have ? Like beauty, avamanam is also in the eyes of the beholder. Could there be more avamanam than not being true? Time ticking etc is all in my feelings/fear only :'( elsewhere onnume kanum. Konjambelief, action - enakaga panna than enna ? even now, expect pandradhuku kooda thagudhiye/URIMAI illayo nu irukku - :(. Just that the sense of belonging poi thozhaya mattengidhu - enakku mattum.
In the movie Raavanan, Maniratnam brings out a different perspective, some reflecting on the historical Raavan/Raman debate. He will convey it through the characters played in the movie. The true underlying character and motivation of the Dev - Raman (Prithviraj) character was brought out at 1hr:51m,51s. When I first watched it, I was wondering why would this Dev whatever person be speaking/implying such bad things about Ragini - Seetha character (Aishwarya), married wife, especially after what had happened. I was shocked and taken aback and felt like - oh this is bad. When Dev kept implying badness about Ragini, she reprimandedhim. She kept contesting it first few times, reprimanding him and then later when she was hurt, she chose to walk away, in anger, disappointment and also to get justice/clarification for what was told by Dev. She met Veera - Raavanan (Vikram) to seek clarification - rightful clarification, to establish the truth. When she met veera, she asked what he had told to Dev and when Veera said the truth - as is - she was relieved. But more than relieved at that moment, she would also reveal that - Dev (her husband)said wrongly about her. Now, she said that truth to the man - who had kidnapped her to kill her. Veera character, however, was startled that Dev said such bad things - SP ஏன் சந்தேகம் படறாரு ? காரணம் காரியம் இல்லாமையா? Veera realizes and connects the dot, he deduced the actual motivation of such an ill implied "vanmam" in the words. True to his deduction, the ill advised words were said with motivation and cleverlycalculated to lead to the killing of Veera itself. Now, if I overlay the above scenario to what had happened in the past, it looks eerily similar (ignore the actual roles). Beyond the initial enquiry, everything else had been motivated and calculated, to achieve what whatever wants ONLY, at any cost. Why would such an ill advised word - pros - be said? If not to attack the moral character and break the will power and intimidate somebody. Why would calls come to one's place/appa, if not to throw aspersion on character and force one to withdraw? When somebody conveyed intent, multiple times, why was it not listened to and family invoked always? why go back on the word told at airport when one showed up at the door? Even a year later, why would words such as "neenga nimmadhiyave iruka vida matten" ? [Completely ignorant of the fact that I had given up (unable to yet painfully said lip service) - considering somebody's hardships/ability and amma]. Why would calls come again to one's place when somebody else had conveyed the intent ? Why? And question like - eppadi valurthu irukeenga to all parents? who is whatever to give certificate freely to others except himself ? And the disgusting amorous activity afterwards - despite medications - whether considered new life for whatever or otherwise, is it based on true consent? Or was that true consent never sought or even understood or if understood, kept quiet and worked everything else to make things work - the thing that whatever wanted at all cost. காரணம் காரியம் இல்லாமையா? Irupadhu thappu illa anal irukradhu nu theriyanum....puriyanum. Irundhalum adhuthavanga unarvu illama namma karanam kaariyam mattum panna - adhu unmaiye kidyadhu. Poli. After kind of putting somebody in cage or realizing somebody is in cage, against wish, isn't taking care of them the least anybody can do, given that is what all the motivated action was directed towards.
Genuineness is innate or born with - but it is also by choice. Why am I able to see the motivation and calculation - while somebody is not able to see? I could have also behaved with motivation right ? I chose to not be that way - painfully and sadly for me. Even now, I'm speaking all sides while none would even utter a single word of good for me. And, I'm really saying for manasatchi - better to be at-least true. Assuming, what I say is true. Nevertheless, I can be genuine and true but cannot afford to be fool. I believe in people in general and also (airport) but I cannot afford to fail in deducing the actual motivation, at-least at this point, in light of all that had happened. As it had happened in that scene, those motivation had already kind of killed/erased me - violently and medically too. At this point, I'm really afraid if I can - நான் வருவேன்?? - given the timed தவிப்பு at the manasu level. Heck, in that scene, Ragini character tried to protect Veera, the kidnapper, from the gunshots of Dev by coming to the front. Alas, I was not protected at all - so far - wish atleast an attempt made to save me now :( ?
நான் வருவேன் மீண்டும் வருவேன் உன்னை நான் தொடர்வேன் உயிரால் தொடுவேன் ஒரு பிள்ளை எழுதும் கிறுக்கல் தான் வாழ்க்கையோ அதில் அர்த்தம் தேடி அலைவதே வேட்கைய அர்த்தம் புரியும் போது வாழ்வு மாறுது வாழ்வு கழியும் போது அர்த்தம் மாறுது ஒரு கனவு காற்றில் மிதக்குதோ அது மிதந்து கொண்டு சிரிக்குதோ
Being a kid (ponnu), one can cling on to amma. Being a ponnu, one can ask questions like - what you said you wanted to do and what you are doing ? accountable. Being a ponnu, one can feel scared if somebody will leave and go, like it had happened before. Alas, one is not a kid to cling on (atleast visibly). Adhnale ennamo, puriyave illaya ? இழப்பு/தவிப்பு. Easily forsaken ?
I like writing. I like writing/scribbling down my thoughts and musings - random or otherwise, I write. I take good care in my effort to articulate my thoughts as clear as possible - these writings will reflect me over the years. There is a long pending blog post - about inequality - that is almost 3+ years in the making. Although I have not been actively working on it, whenever I come across any article or video or any information that I can use for this post, I save it. I intend to complete it sometime but I'm going to use one of the images of that post in here as well. Off late, sometimes, I use songs as a metaphorical medium to convey certain intent. I find this useful to retain the abstract'ness' of my post and also hope to not reveal more than necessary. This keeps the blog post applicable and attributable for various reasons and scenarios. Also, it allows me to be lazy and not write more but still convey, in some crude form or otherwise, some meaning alongside the video/song post. However, in this blog post, I intend to remove a layer or two of the abstract nature and hope to write - as is. Timing Timing and me have always been having a strange relationship. In some cases, I have had the fortune of good timing. But, in many cases, it has not been so. For instance, the current quagmire with regard to the immigration influenced job related events, for lack of better word, is unfolding like a slow disaster that ought to be addressed sooner than later. There literally was nothing that I could have done to anticipate certain things ahead as these processes were supposed to happen as status quo and nothing out of ordinary was expected. However, things happened exactly the opposite manner and I reacted based on it and assessed the outcomes that can help in my current set up - as is - and followed up on those lines for few weeks. Later, after concluding it may not work, I decided to look other ways too. And, even outside, the process is dragging and the elusive break through, based on few preference, is yet to happen and I hope it occurs soon. Having said that, the card dealt to me was bad - on timing wise - in terms of immigration related work authorization. Wherever I could think ahead last year, I did and there was literally nothing I could have done different to alter the current situation - but for having ventured a guess/assumption correctly the current outcome. Timing wise, there is another thing that has kind of haunted me since a long time. Although I had done all that I could even at that time, it was a wrong timing issue but amenable nevertheless. Anyways, coming to the present moment, in one of my earlier blog post Hurt, I had spoken about the raw form of the hurt and that is so true. Despite all my other activities and distractions, the feel of hurt is so heavy that I can literally drown in it's weight. It is physically perceptible, especially when I'm alone and the heaviness can literally sink me. It is hard to describe it and may even be laughing matter for people who may not have visibility in to the entirety of the context. But to have the events happen as it did and to be disregarded, even in thoughts wise, is something one can never prepare for. It is worse than death.
Come to think of it, the whole thing from the beginning has multiple emotions/feelings and many other things but if I can make an attempt at classifying them, can briefly put it in to these boxes - feelings/emotions, the way the events had happened and the subsequent wronged angle. While it is hard to keep aside any of these, just for argument sake, I try to keep aside (momentarily) the first two things and look at the wronged angle in detail. What is this wronged angle? I have a deep feeling of wronged, being tricked and deceived, ever so cleverly and ever so skillfully, and quietly. I feel wronged not just for myself. I feel wronged even for the whole thing - the emotions/feelings - it is just wrong, at multiple levels. Now, for the feeling wronged, am I seeking anything? May be, I'm. I never really thought that is something I ought to do. But, it has to happen or I had hoped for it. Now, what is that I had hoped for? From my point of view, what is the feeling I have? Is it justice or revenge? In a moment of rage, these two feelings can overlap and sometimes they both seem one and the same (at that moment). However, I have seen a definition that clearly differentiated between both. And, they are never the same. Justice is about harmony (afterwards). Revenge is about one (affected one) making oneself feel better (afterwards). Thankfully, I have always been speaking of the word - அநீதி. Also, one will seek revenge for their own, right ? Even if I may feel somebody as my own, what right would I have if I was not offered the same feeling of belonging back ? How can I seek revenge, if at all ? Even if I wanted revenge, why would I let go and talk about all other considerations many times before? And let go ?? Having said these, when some can conveniently deny the truth and continue to do so, where will I ever go, if at all ? The thing with truth is - it is same - for everybody. May be, this is the reason why I have always felt uncomfortable/bothered - as truth is covered up somewhere, and I'm part of the truth, my ability to be true, also gets covered up. Anyways, whatever. I didn't need to look at all these subtle layers in the wronged feeling and analyze them but doing it, just so I can be able to clear things for myself, at the very least. But, question remains, is there true sense of harmony - inside? Outside can be faked/time will make it norm but inside pulungifying ? Harmony ?
As this above tweet says, I have always strived to get people to form their own opinion and never forced, at least on important things. Come to think of it, right after my first yes+, I had arranged for my first intro talk at Ascendas in sep 2007 and nothing really came out of it. I never pushed anybody or forced them incessantly. And, participation eventually happened later in 2008 June during Yes+ utsav program. I'm still the same way - have spoken for all sides and consequences, although none had ever spoken for my side or the whole "wronged" side ever. Ever. Manipulation - me? haha. I'm too naive for all these things. I don't know to say one thing at airport and then later completely behave opposite of it when somebody claimed something that whatever didn't like. I'm too naive to shout abuses at somebody - pros - or whatever, that too just after 40 days of whatever crap time spent just coz events are unfolding (sadly so) truly but in a manner they didn't want. It continued to unfold in this manner umpteen times. I'm too naive to wish things like - neenga nimmadhiya irukave vida matten, when somebody took a stand against whatever. Manipulation and me. Haha. I can never pull of such a gruesome thing and not have it shown on my face or not feel guilty/remorseful and let go. Heck, I only know to keep saying you don't owe me anything.
The above is an image from the wonderful movie - moodar koodam - and I would like to use this phrase in my "inequality" post as well. It defines - what is stealing - it is not just the act of taking something inappropriately, it is also the act of preventing somebody from taking what is theirs. How is it applicable here ? Well, do I need to elaborate that as well - the umpteen instances when somebody said about not belonging somewhere - even up to the events in 2010, how did whatever behave ? On top of this, when events were forced and when somebody landed after medication and still under medication, what amorous activities happened ? How ? Really ? Any expression/emotion that originated henceforth - after such an amorous activity - is an insult - to the word genuine itself. To perceive it as genuine.......
Fuck that crap. Fuck that crap. FUCK.THAT.CRAP.
Genuine is letting go and standing helpless despite doing all that can possibly be done. Genuine is letting go even when one can capitalize/manipulate somebody when they had power but choosing to not do that and giving a proper advice, despite it being against one's want. I heard a saying - "fair weather good people" - those who are good only in fair weather. If the weather turns bad, then they also likely turn bad. People's character ought to be judged not when things happen according to their way, but how they are when it didn't. Also, abide, abide, abide/inevitable, sarasari - won't some cells in the body have some indignation or rowthiram or dhariyum or bit of honor to avoid this amorous crap? I wish gazillions of gazillion googol billion crawling kambili poochi on each cell/atom/proton/neutron/electron in the current set up. Patience is not a virtue of whatever when status quo itself is the ideal solution that there is - as any shake up of it will result in jeopardy of status quo. Hence, why will anybody be not patient? If there was genuineness, won't the inner struggles of somebody be not perceptible so far? If perceived, was the true nature understood and the hard choices it warrants, considered and discussed? Or let somebody else struggle and undergo a 'sacrifice' for whatever's sake nu easier "meetings" alone conducted? Why must a sacrifice even be continued if it is well known/realized as sacrifice? Also, when somebody took a stand, instead of ack it, if their stand is threatened saying - neenga nimmadhiyave iruka vida matten,is that genuine ? Chuck me in that neenga - I don't need to be cared for. But what about somebody else that they supposedly SHOW as having feelings love for ? Is that genuine? The answer is obvious - it is never genuine - these are acts of grabbing (stealing) somebody and later trying a hard selling of care and affection to make up for their inability to be genuine. On top of it, unconditional vera ketkadhu - thu.
As the above quote from buddha says, it is hard to keep truth hidden. What is true for me is the fact that I'm forsaken. I have always been forsaken. There was never really a physical presence but what recently happened was the most hardest thing ever - forsaken even from the thought wise. Forsaken is actually a smaller word compared to the hurt. In the past, I could attribute circumstances and others and other reasons for being forsaken but this time, it was not the case and that hurt the most. However, that is the truth. I'm sad coz - there is an innate way to me - enthusiastic, energetic, spark in my eyes, playful etc. On all likelihood, those are my spirit. I always retain them. I feel they may have gone from me and that hurts me :( coz it is so sad, for myself. Anyways, let's see.....is asking for some love to be shown such a bad thing ? Reality creates it's own truth over time and due to the context. While that aspect of it cannot be denied, reality may not replace or erase certain core aspect of truth, hidden or otherwise. Anyways, while I may appear to have the ability to accommodate many things now, I do have righteous anger and it is not that somebody had not done any mistakes whatsoever. There have been many. It is just the context that forced such a mistake has superseded these mistakes but they are still disgusting as hell. If possible, I will square the kambilipoochi count of the above - crawling even for panividai's/inevitable/sarasari/whatever. And square that count with thoughts of me all over. all around. all places. all time. all activities. all situations. in every nanosecond of visual/hearing/feeling/breathing living moments that not a single breath can go in/out without this thought. Always. Enough said. And, I wish/want to show some of my anger but I want to have some rightful context to even express them. Also, for the feeling of amma, ironically, in 2008 Yes+ utsav, Bawa said - "one can absolutely love their parents and completely disobey them". Actually, love and discipline/obeying need not be mutually exclusive, especially in some of the things like study or passion or things like the ones being discussed. Anyways, I was considerate of this aspect as well - only to be like a fool. Even now :D. Nevertheless, timing wise, it is amenable. Btw, if there are some feelings in aazhmanasu, as being claimed, and yet I have felt this way due to truth, what will "mana'saakshi" feel if truth reveals itself in the most honest way in the future? or when manasaatchi keeps searching for the truth? May be this is what I have always been trying to say.Anyways, in the below video of buddha quotes, the aspect of anger and clinging on - is applicable to me. May be. But hey, what am I clinging on if I gave up myself with the request of being true? So may be not. Not sure. Is asking for some love to be shown such a bad thing? Anyways, what right do I have or ever had, as is, Who am Ito have my feelings matter?
After all this, it is time for one realization. As I had mentioned earlier in this post about forsaken and in my earlier blog - Hurt - too, forsaken is true. I have always been forsaken. Either for convenience/pressure/fear/deceit/lies or what not, the eventual outcome is, I'm forsaken. Sadly, this time, I chose to do it myself. While all the things I have mentioned above and spoken/asked/demanded remains as is, I don't have the strength to-
see somebody struggle/hurt - to live their truth. I still maintain that living the truth, understanding deceit/cheat of whatever and being just/honest is best in everybody interest.
withstand yet another forsaken/abandonment. It is, as I mentioned above, worse than death.
I still cannot fathom how whatever can have strength to see somebody suffer this loooooonnnnng silently for their deceit/cheat/selfish nature and yet be able to ask for unconditional love and progeny vera. Thuuuuu.
Adhe vera kudukranga paaru - cha. அழிந்து. கரைந்து. ஒழியட்டும்.
I only wish a chance for truth to be true - regardless of weakness or guts or pressure or deceit. This I ask with no concern or regards for I/one. None. Anyways, the above tweets sums it up well - especially, the first tweet and the date/timing of it was a sad prophecy of me, to myself.
