As is - 2

As the 'As is' post, this post will likely be as is...

Timing

There is a timing concern - on work which I had touched upon on the initial blog. It is a concern that for some reason seem to drag along without the elusive break, yet. 


Also, timing is a major concern on something else - in another context, where I fear my own expiry. Alas, even this feeling wise/fear too, it all starts and ends with me :(

I will keep updating this post as this is one heck of an emotional ride.....


Update: 

Hahah so much easy writing this post.....phew. I can't put to words all that goes in mind....I will try to throw some random words and skip rest of it..... I can't do it.


- aama illa aama illa aama illa - kadupu le "pros" words came it seems. then me ? what about thyself ? the one who felt the actions of those words and stood alone, always alone - brutally. why no kaduppu le words came from me? Words reveal motives

- Mature. I have been mature when the most hard moments came and gave up for the sake of the larger good. Why, I thought being true will result in reciprocation from all else. What did I get ? 

- Even now I worry if I what I say/ask/advice will be interpreted as immature ? have I thought about hard outcomes etc ? Yes, I have. Yet, what I ask is what I ask. What I say is true. Hard or otherwise.

- However, who am I to even give up - what right I even have?? - when I had been forsaken so easily. It doesn't matter if I so deeply believe somebody belonged/belog to me - however/whenever - to realize that feeling was never concerned/cared for and reciprocated in action ever, it all falls apart. On top of it, to know the life that was done - my goodness, that was just so dis-respectful and hurting. Enough said. It is not that not knowing about that context would make hurt go away. It is just being that way, there - hurts. Just being there hurts. hard. idhe vidava kashtam iruka mudiyum? வா டி.

- what words. (na & all). what emotions. what actions. what smileys. what angeekaram.
robe eh innum haunt pannudhu...idhule vera ennamo vera :(. ennalamo. - iraiva. 

- while somebody always chose to abide.....to expectation or other thing or their own wishes, I have always been offering out of the way stuff, why? 

- Duplicity - hurt me .....saying one and being otherwise hurt me the most. Even now, after hearing all I said, what happened in June? that too after a context that got formed on it's own. To destroy that and to go on to create current mess, artificially, the planning, the works all behind my back. Why? For what ?  To realize all these happening since the time of my ping - even in feb, march, april - only May got skipped or what not and in June. Phew. I didn't intend to ruin any situation/raja vazkai or demand what I said to be done but to even not offer any consideration to me - given it is me who is speaking/expressing - phew. I said what I felt or advice as is + what is good, real good not temporary or fake :(

Btw, ippo kooda enkitta irundhu endha words um varliye - for all aama/illa and what had happened. words reveal motives. words show you care.

- Lack of response. While I always assumed the lack of response - emotional or otherwise - due to the context, I'm forced to now think if this is due to the fact that those emotions/feelings of somebody have found another shoulders wherever whatever ? :'(

Somebody may have no idea how much it hurts - the above sentence - coz it is with very very very few people one is sensitive & there will ever be any expectation ever - and to have those denied/go away/ willingly avoided just like that - is just hurtful denial of an unexplainable order. I never did this - ever. Forsaken is a small tiny word. 

Anyways, all I ever wanted to post was - நான் ஒரு நாலு தடவை கூடவா சொல்லி இருக்க மாட்டேன் ? yet why the hesitation even now. And here I was saying about kambili poochi and gazillion thoughts - stupid funny foolish innocent ignorant me.  yet back to school or 
'P-vitamins' would take current consideration over what I had mentioned/asked etc. Sometimes (at-least sometimes, at-least now), doing the right thing matters more than being away or feeling undeserving or going thru pain or what not. Right now, it is the timing issue - do atleast this.

Nevertheless, it appears like - நான் ஒரு நாலு தடவை கூடவா சொல்லி இருக்க மாட்டேன் ? Anyways, what right do I even have ? Like beauty, avamanam is also in the eyes of the beholder. Could there be more avamanam than not being true?

Time ticking etc is all in my feelings/fear only :'( elsewhere onnume kanum. Konjam belief, action - enakaga panna than enna ? even now, expect pandradhuku kooda thagudhiye/URIMAI illayo nu irukku - :(. Just that the sense of belonging poi thozhaya mattengidhu - enakku mattum.

Kaathalae Kaathalae

Kaathalae Kaathalae Song

96 Movie Teaser

Trisha dress looks like Pineapple/Mango and Vijay Sethupathi like earthy green/brown papaya

Inside.Outside

https://www.goalcast.com/2018/02/13/14-pablo-neruda-quotes/

Poi Vazhva | பொய் வாழ்வா

பொய் வாழ்வா 

பொய் வாழ்வா

வலியே தீர்வா 

இல்ல உன் வாழ்வில் 

அர்த்தம் உண்டு 

பொய் வாழ்வா

வலியே தீர்வா 

இல்ல உன் வாழ்வில் 

அர்த்தம் உண்டு

மெய் உணரும்

முன்பே சோர்வா 

பொறு நீ ஒருநாள் 

புரியும் என்று

இந்த வெறுமை விடாதா 

ஒரு சிறகு விழாதா

சிறு பறவை எழாதா 

அது கனவத் தொடாதா

இந்த ஏக்கங்கள்

எல்லாம் வீணா 

மனம் பயணம் 

செல்லும் எங்கும்

ஓய்வெடுக்கும் நிழல் இன்பம்

நிஜம் போராட்டம் மட்டும் தானா

பொய் வாழ்வா

வலியே தீர்வா 

இல்ல உன் வாழ்வில் 

அர்த்தம் உண்டு 

மெய் உணரும்

முன்பே சோர்வா 

பொறு நீ ஒருநாள் 

புரியும் என்று

வெற்றி வெறும் முற்றுப்புள்ளி 

தோல்விகளே செல்லும் வழி 

யாருக்கிங்க இல்ல வலி 

அக்கம் பக்கம் அட நீ கவனி

இந்த வெறுமை விடாதா 

ஒரு சிறகு விழாதா

சிறு பறவை எழாதா 

அது கனவத் தொடாதா

இந்த ஏக்கங்கள்

எல்லாம் வீணா 

மனம் பயணம் 

செல்லும் எங்கும்

ஓய்வெடுக்கும் நிழல் இன்பம்

நிஜம் போராட்டம் மட்டும் தானா

பொய் வாழ்வா

வலியே தீர்வா 

இல்ல உன் வாழ்வில் 

அர்த்தம் உண்டு 

மெய் உணரும்

முன்பே சோர்வா 

பொறு நீ ஒருநாள் 

புரியும் என்று

------

I really wonder what is true and if all I had/have is all lie inside.

கண் பேசும் வார்த்தைகள்

கண் பேசும் வார்த்தைகள்

கண் பேசும் வார்த்தைகள் புரிவதில்லை 
காத்திருந்தால் பெண் கனிவதில்லை 

ஒரு முகம் மறைய மறு முகம் தெரிய 
கண்ணாடி இதயமில்லை 
கடல் கைமூடி மறைவதில்லை 
கண்ணாடி இதயமில்லை 
கடல் கைமூடி மறைவதில்லை 

காற்றில் இலைகள் பறந்த பிறகும் 
கிளையின் தழும்புகள் அழிவதில்லை 
காயம் நூறு கண்ட பிறகும்

உன்னை உள் மனம் மறப்பதில்லை

ஒரு முறைதான் பெண் பார்ப்பதினால் 
வருகிற வலி அவள் அறிவதில்லை 
கனவினிலும் தினம் நினைவினிலும் 
கரைகிற ஆண் மனம் புரிவதில்லை 

கண் பேசும் வார்த்தைகள் புரிவதில்லை 
காத்திருந்தால் பெண் கனிவதில்லை 
ஒரு முகம் மறைய மறு முகம் தெரிய 
கண்ணாடி இதயமில்லை 
கடல் கைமூடி மறைவதில்லை 
காற்றிலே காயும் நிலவை கண்டுகொள்ள யாருமில்ல 
கண்களின் அனுமதி வாங்கி காதலும் இங்கே வருவதில்லை 
தூரத்தில் தெரியும் வெளிச்சம் பாதைக்கு சொந்தமில்லை 
மின்னலின் ஒளியை பிடிக்க மின்மினிபூச்சிக்கு தெரியவில்லை 
விழி உனக்கு சொந்தமடி வேதனைகள் எனக்கு சொந்தமடி 
அலை கடலை கடந்தபின்னே நுரைகள் மட்டும் கரைக்கே சொந்தமடி 

கண் பேசும் வார்த்தைகள் புரிவதில்லை 
காத்திருந்தால் பெண் கனிவதில்லை 
ஒரு முகம் மறைய மறு முகம் தெரிய 
கண்ணாடி இதயமில்லை 
கடல் கைமூடி மறைவதில்லை 
உலகத்தில் எத்தனை பெண்ணுள்ளது 
மனம் ஒருத்தியை மட்டும் கொண்டாடுது 
ஒரு முறை வாழ்ந்திட திண்டாடுது 
இது உயிர் வரை பாய்ந்து பந்தாடுது 
பனி துளி வந்து மோதியதால் 
இந்த முள்ளும் இங்கே துண்டானது 
உலகத்தில் உள்ள பொய்களெல்லாம் 
அட புடவை கட்டி பெண்ணானது 
புயல் அடித்தால் மழை இருக்கும் 
மரங்களும் பூக்களும் மறைந்து விடும் 
சிரிப்பு வரும் அழுகை வரும் 
காதலில் இரண்டுமே கலந்து வரும். 

ஒரு முறைதான் பெண் பார்ப்பதினால் 
வருகிற வலி அவள் அறிவதில்லை 
கனவினிலும் தினம் நினைவினிலும் 
கரைகிற ஆண் மனம் புரிவதில்லை 
கண் பேசும் வார்த்தை... 
கண் பேசும் வார்த்தைகள் புரிவதில்லை 
காத்திருந்தால் பெண் கனிவதில்லை 
ஒரு முகம் மறைய மறு முகம் தெரிய 
கண்ணாடி இதயமில்லை 
கடல் கைமூடி மறைவதில்லை 
காற்றில் இலைகள் பறந்த பிறகும் 
கிளையின் தழும்புகள் அழிவதில்லை 

காயம் நூறு கண்ட பிறகும் 
உன்னை உள் மனம் மறப்பதில்லை..

Martin Luther King Jr quotes

Alone

Deep inside, I'm like above.

There is a space where nobody is really with me - for my thoughts/wish/yearn. In some cases it is hard for them to be there - even my family - and I understand that. However, that doesn't change what is deep inside me.

My only feeling is - there is got to be a reason for this deep inside - despite all the things. 

What if I'm right ?

All I ever wanted and yearn is the care that somebody wanted to provide as amma but believe I have instead taken care like a daughter and provided all.

Yet, when even somebody deserted/deserts me, even in this deep space of manasu - for which I requested not to - I'm even more alone.

On top of it, to know the life that was lived - all feelings and amorous, I have to weepingly resign.  What words, what feelings, what spontaneity,, what smileys - eppovume beating/vibrating heart.....




what actions that followed :(. aiyyo

In some context, the feeling that I have guarded so close & been true, I was made to realize I no longer have a place & have been forsaken. Time turned the wheels too fast. Sadly as it may sound for me, that is the truth & reality.

I'm heartbroken, weeping sad. But, I accept.

— Nathan SP (நாதன்) (@nathan_sp21) July 26, 2018

Deepest care is the biggest sorrow in this world.

When people SHOW you your place, believe it. pic.twitter.com/P3HhDcRAyy

— Nathan SP (நாதன்) (@nathan_sp21) July 24, 2018

Life philosophy

பறவை ஓட குணமே பறக்கிறது தான் டா.

வாழ்வா சாவா என்று அது முடிவு பண்ணட்டும் 

உன்னோட இந்த கருணை சாவை விட கொடுமை ஆனது 

-----

உண்மை ஓட குணமும் 

நான் வருவேன்

நான் வருவேன் ??

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ii_OzvtqHa4&t=111m50s
watch fully from this point onwards - 15 mins.

In the movie Raavanan, Maniratnam brings out a different perspective, some reflecting on the historical Raavan/Raman debate. He will convey it through the characters played in the movie. The true underlying character and motivation of the Dev - Raman (Prithviraj) character was brought out at 1hr:51m,51s. When I first watched it, I was wondering why would this Dev whatever person be speaking/implying such bad things about Ragini - Seetha character (Aishwarya), married wife, especially after what had happened. I was shocked and taken aback and felt like - oh this is bad. When Dev kept implying badness about Ragini, she reprimanded him. She kept contesting it first few times, reprimanding him and then later when she was hurt, she chose to walk away, in anger, disappointment and also to get justice/clarification for what was told by Dev. She met Veera - Raavanan (Vikram) to seek clarification - rightful clarification, to establish the truth. When she met veera, she asked what he had told to Dev and when Veera said the truth - as is - she was relieved. But more than relieved at that moment, she would also reveal that - Dev (her husband) said wrongly about her. Now, she said that truth to the man - who had kidnapped her to kill her. Veera character, however, was startled that Dev said such bad things - SP ஏன் சந்தேகம் படறாரு ? காரணம் காரியம் இல்லாமையா ? Veera realizes and connects the dot, he deduced the actual motivation of such an ill implied "vanmam" in the words. True to his deduction, the ill advised words were said with motivation and cleverly calculated to lead to the killing of Veera itself.

Now, if I overlay the above scenario to what had happened in the past, it looks eerily similar (ignore the actual roles). Beyond the initial enquiry, everything else had been motivated and calculated, to achieve what whatever wants ONLY, at any cost. Why would such an ill advised word - pros - be said? If not to attack the moral character and break the will power and intimidate somebody. Why would calls come to one's place/appa, if not to throw aspersion on character and force one to withdraw? When somebody conveyed intent, multiple times, why was it not listened to and family invoked always? why go back on the word told at airport when one showed up at the door? Even a year later, why would words such as "neenga nimmadhiyave iruka vida matten" ? [Completely ignorant of the fact that I had given up (unable to yet painfully said lip service) - considering somebody's hardships/ability and amma]. Why would calls come again to one's place when somebody else had conveyed the intent ? Why? And question like - eppadi valurthu irukeenga to all parents? who is whatever to give certificate freely to others except himself ? And the disgusting amorous activity afterwards - despite medications - whether considered new life for whatever or otherwise, is it based on true consent? Or was that true consent never sought or even understood or if understood, kept quiet and worked everything else to make things work - the thing that whatever wanted at all cost. காரணம் காரியம் இல்லாமையா? Irupadhu thappu illa anal irukradhu nu theriyanum....puriyanum. Irundhalum adhuthavanga unarvu illama namma karanam kaariyam mattum panna - adhu unmaiye kidyadhu. Poli. After kind of putting somebody in cage or realizing somebody is in cage, against wish, isn't taking care of them the least anybody can do, given that is what all the motivated action was directed towards. 

Genuineness is innate or born with - but it is also by choice. Why am I able to see the motivation and calculation - while somebody is not able to see? I could have also behaved with motivation right ? I chose to not be that way - painfully and sadly for me. Even now, I'm speaking all sides while none would even utter a single word of good for me. And, I'm really saying for manasatchi - better to be at-least true. Assuming, what I say is true. Nevertheless, I can be genuine and true but cannot afford to be fool. I believe in people in general and also (airport) but I cannot afford to fail in deducing the actual motivation, at-least at this point, in light of all that had happened. As it had happened in that scene, those motivation had already kind of killed/erased me - violently and medically too. 

At this point, I'm really afraid if I can - நான் வருவேன்?? - given the timed தவிப்பு at the manasu level. Heck, in that scene, Ragini character tried to protect Veera, the kidnapper, from the gunshots of Dev by coming to the front. Alas, I was not protected at all - so far - wish atleast an attempt made to save me now :( ?

Raavanan - Naan Varuven | ராவணன் - நான் வருவேன்

ராவணன் - நான் வருவேன்

நான் வருவேன் 
மீண்டும் வருவேன் 
உன்னை நான் தொடர்வேன் 
உயிரால் தொடுவேன்

ஒரு பிள்ளை எழுதும் கிறுக்கல் தான் வாழ்க்கையோ 
அதில் அர்த்தம் தேடி அலைவதே வேட்கைய 
அர்த்தம் புரியும் போது வாழ்வு மாறுது 
வாழ்வு கழியும் போது அர்த்தம் மாறுது

ஒரு கனவு காற்றில் மிதக்குதோ 
அது மிதந்து கொண்டு சிரிக்குதோ 

lyric source: http://www.lyricaldelights.com/2014/07/17/raavavan-naan-varuven/

Clinging

Image source: https://www.pinterest.com/pin/837177018204917010/

Being a kid (ponnu), one can cling on to amma. 

Being a ponnu, one can ask questions like - what you said you wanted to do and what you are doing ? accountable. 

Being a ponnu, one can feel scared if somebody will leave and go, like it had happened before.

Alas, one is not a kid to cling on (atleast visibly). 
Adhnale ennamo, puriyave illaya ? இழப்பு/தவிப்பு. Easily forsaken ?



image source: https://chicago.suntimes.com/news/at-chicago-shelters
-kids-separated-at-border-from-parents-await-reunions/

இழப்பு

இழப்பு

Just as Kamal character says at 1:18s and seen fully from then on,


உன்னை விட எனக்கு தான் துக்கம் கூட. எல்லா நிலைமையிழும், எல்லா முயற்சியும் பண்ணி, உனக்கு + எல்லாருக்கும் (அம்மா) வலிக்க கூடாது எனபதற்காக 2 முறை விட்டு குடுத்த எனக்கு, இந்த முறை என்னையவே வெட்டு (cut) குடுக்க, தயாராகாமல் தயார் ஆக வேண்டி இருக்கு

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உன்னன விட இழப்பு எனக்கு தான் கூட. எப்போவுமே.

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தப்பு இல்லையா என்று கேட்குறே ?

உணர்வுகளை மருந்தால் அழித்து கரைத்தது தப்பு இல்லையா ? பொய் சொல்லி, சுயநலமா, திருடி, உரிமை மற்றும் உணர்வு மறுத்து, கூடவே புடிச்சி வச்சி இருக்கிறது தப்பு இல்லையா ? 
இப்போ அதே கரு உருவான பொது, சட்டு என்று சூழ்நிலை கருதி அழித்து விட்டு, உடனே இப்படி நடக்கிறது தப்பு இல்லையா? எப்போவுமே அம்மா என்று நினைக்குற உனக்கு, அம்மா என்று அழைத்த உயிரை, 9 ஆண்டுகளுக்கு மேல் மனதில் சுமந்து, எடுத்து சொல்ற அநீதி, உனக்கு தப்பு இல்லையா?

புத்திக்கு தெரியுது, மனசுக்கு தெரியலே - எனக்கு ரெண்டுமே ஒன்னு தான். 

மனசுக்கு பிடித்த ஒண்ணுக்கு தான் இப்படி மனசு-புத்தி பாடு படும், பிடிக்காத ஒன்றுக்கு இல்லை. பொய்க்கு/போலிக்கு இப்படி படாது. அப்படி என்றல் நான் பொய்யோ என்னமோ ?? 

Just as Kamal character says at the end -

புத்திசாலித்தனம் என்று ரெண்டு உயிரும் இருக்கனும் வேண்டாதே - நடக்காது :'(

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எந்த ஒரு விஷயமும் கேட்டு வாங்கறது/கிடைக்கிறது எனக்கு அவ்வளவா புடிக்காது, குறிப்பா உணர்வுகள் சம்மந்த பட்டது.

ஆனால் கேட்ட கூட கிடைக்காது, எந்த ஒரு நிலையிலும், ஒரு நம்பிக்கை கூட கிடைக்காது, அதுக்கு கூட தகுதி அற்றவன், அப்படி என்று உணரும் போது :(

Irony

Even the people who believe in god, won't believe in the principles (that made him god) he/she spoke of. Then, what is the belief in god ?

If somebody speaks of the same principles in life, forget being respected, they are not even believed or cared for.

The different avatarams of god (story or otherwise) talks about him/her coming to resolve the அநீதி. If the same is asked by any living soul, they are disregarded and neglected.

Things as simple as online shopping or offline shopping or amazon prime day or panividai is more than enough to get all involved happily and neglect/keep on neglecting anything 'else', as that always becomes the outcome. Whatever I wished for - kambili poochi or thoughts or what not - in as is post all stand no chance in the face of all care given and taken and multi-vitamin 'special' supplements of this special time. Presence eh illama....watte comedy by me - paithiyum me....phew :D




Irony

Indru Netru Naalai | இன்று நேற்று நாளை

Indru Netru Naalai | இன்று நேற்று நாளை 

Chinna Thayaval | சின்ன தாயவள்

சின்ன தாயவள்

Once again, another wonderful composition from Isagnani Ilayaraja in the movie Thalapathy. Music, especially the background music by Ilayraja was playing a role as much as any of the main cast in this movie by Mani Ratnam - who is an atheist and made the wonderfully poignant Ravanan movie that showed characters from different perspective.

I had a habit of sharing Thalaivar's Then madurai Vaigai nadhi song - for friends birthday in Facebook. It is a wonderful song and probably one of the best birthday songs, in my opinion. Strangely, until recently, none has shared me a Thalaivar song, repeatedly. The music and words in this song convey emotions and feelings that far outlive the times. I'm ever thankful for the love that shared this song - a தாலாட்டு/lullaby that I seek, as she is a சின்ன தாய் as well.

Having said that, even in this song- a forsaken/abandoned son - sees the mother from a distance and the stifled emotional feelings are captured. I recently updated my as is blog at the end for the forsaken feeling. It is such a hard feeling - one I never wished on somebody ever and bear all the disappointments/pain - with the hope that being true will turn things around.

In the above video, if one were to see it fully, there are many things that can be commented about. At 2 min :12 sec when the police officer enquires Rajini, the emotion that comes out is a true testament to being forsaken/abandoned. While in the movie, it is about biological mother/son and the intensity is naturally high, the feeling nevertheless is same even otherwise for any forsaken soul.

Maniratnam would have have also shown a wonderful love between Rajini/Shobana, which is one of my favorite till date, that unfortunately didn't result in them being together. As we can see from this video, it is the father, who is like a god figure to the girl, taking a stand against it due to his own beliefs. Even after having being told that his daughter likes Rajini, he says it will happen on my dead body - clearly putting his views ahead of his daughter and her well being. At any rate, it was Shobana who agrees to abide by this as respect for her father and as a show of love for him. The question is - what would have Arvind Swamy done if he had known of the love of the girl he is about to marry or even after marriage ? Maniratnam crafted Arvind swamy character with such integrity/honesty - he was shown as reciting அச்சமில்லை அச்சமில்லை அச்சமென்ப தில்லையே to his father itself - he is likely to respect the girl's wish, despite it being against one's own. While it is not uncommon for parents to be extra protective and enforce their views on kids, it is still parents and although being wrong, it can evolve to be an obligation/respect/love angle for children to abide. However, how can one explain whatever enforcing his views/deceit/selfish/amorous needs ahead of the girls genuine wish and not stepping back? One can pardon the unwillingness for the first time due to shock or trying to look for oneself. But to go back on the word said in airport is nothing short of deceit and cheating. From then on, it is nothing short of deceit and silent deceit/cheating. To top it, even after repeated attempts, if the struggle of somebody is not felt everyday, what does it say about the true underlying character? And to continue in that context - disgustingly amorously all the time - and provide care/love ONLY acc to their wishful context and not address the real reason in meetings, is NOT genuine. To perceive it as one - Fuck that crap. Fuck That Crap. FUCK THAT CRAP

Anyways, the truly forsaken soul, will only search for the madi - as it happened. 

When 'madi' became home, Dunwoody became parrys.https://t.co/EaYeG18SET

— Nathan SP (நாதன்) (@nathan_sp21) March 30, 2018

However, to be repeatedly forgotten, ignored and as a choice, eventually forsaken (for lies, panividai, deceit), is too painful. Yet, நனி நன்றி - as I miss. What chance do I or the feelings/truth I have shared have amidst the plethora of other emotions/activities/events/relations/weekends/considerations/obligations/AMAZONPRIME/compulsions/nadippu/sarasari/calls/moodswings/busy life? So, with the just a final hope for truth having a chance, for manasatchi sake, I have to regretfully, unwillingly, forsake myself.