As the 'As is' post, this post will likely be as is...
Timing
There is a timing concern - on work which I had touched upon on the initial blog. It is a concern that for some reason seem to drag along without the elusive break, yet.
Also, timing is a major concern on something else - in another context, where I fear my own expiry. Alas, even this feeling wise/fear too, it all starts and ends with me :(
I will keep updating this post as this is one heck of an emotional ride.....
Update:
Hahah so much easy writing this post.....phew. I can't put to words all that goes in mind....I will try to throw some random words and skip rest of it..... I can't do it.
- aama illa aama illa aama illa - kadupu le "pros" words came it seems. then me ? what about thyself ? the one who felt the actions of those words and stood alone, always alone - brutally. why no kaduppu le words came from me? Words reveal motives
- Mature. I have been mature when the most hard moments came and gave up for the sake of the larger good. Why, I thought being true will result in reciprocation from all else. What did I get ?
- Even now I worry if I what I say/ask/advice will be interpreted as immature ? have I thought about hard outcomes etc ? Yes, I have. Yet, what I ask is what I ask. What I say is true. Hard or otherwise.
- However, who am I to even give up - what right I even have?? - when I had been forsaken so easily. It doesn't matter if I so deeply believe somebody belonged/belog to me - however/whenever - to realize that feeling was never concerned/cared for and reciprocated in action ever, it all falls apart. On top of it, to know the life that was done - my goodness, that was just so dis-respectful and hurting. Enough said. It is not that not knowing about that context would make hurt go away. It is just being that way, there - hurts. Just being there hurts. hard. idhe vidava kashtam iruka mudiyum? வா டி.
- what words. (na & all). what emotions. what actions. what smileys. what angeekaram.
robe eh innum haunt pannudhu...idhule vera ennamo vera :(. ennalamo. - iraiva.
- while somebody always chose to abide.....to expectation or other thing or their own wishes, I have always been offering out of the way stuff, why?
- Duplicity - hurt me .....saying one and being otherwise hurt me the most. Even now, after hearing all I said, what happened in June? that too after a context that got formed on it's own. To destroy that and to go on to create current mess, artificially, the planning, the works all behind my back. Why? For what ? To realize all these happening since the time of my ping - even in feb, march, april - only May got skipped or what not and in June. Phew. I didn't intend to ruin any situation/raja vazkai or demand what I said to be done but to even not offer any consideration to me - given it is me who is speaking/expressing - phew. I said what I felt or advice as is + what is good, real good not temporary or fake :(
Btw, ippo kooda enkitta irundhu endha words um varliye - for all aama/illa and what had happened. words reveal motives. words show you care.
- Lack of response. While I always assumed the lack of response - emotional or otherwise - due to the context, I'm forced to now think if this is due to the fact that those emotions/feelings of somebody have found another shoulders wherever whatever ? :'(
Somebody may have no idea how much it hurts - the above sentence - coz it is with very very very few people one is sensitive & there will ever be any expectation ever - and to have those denied/go away/ willingly avoided just like that - is just hurtful denial of an unexplainable order. I never did this - ever. Forsaken is a small tiny word.
Anyways, all I ever wanted to post was - நான் ஒரு நாலு தடவை கூடவா சொல்லி இருக்க மாட்டேன் ? yet why the hesitation even now. And here I was saying about kambili poochi and gazillion thoughts - stupid funny foolish innocent ignorant me. yet back to school or
'P-vitamins' would take current consideration over what I had mentioned/asked etc. Sometimes (at-least sometimes, at-least now), doing the right thing matters more than being away or feeling undeserving or going thru pain or what not. Right now, it is the timing issue - do atleast this.
Nevertheless, it appears like - நான் ஒரு நாலு தடவை கூடவா சொல்லி இருக்க மாட்டேன் ? Anyways, what right do I even have ? Like beauty, avamanam is also in the eyes of the beholder. Could there be more avamanam than not being true?
Time ticking etc is all in my feelings/fear only :'( elsewhere onnume kanum. Konjam belief, action - enakaga panna than enna ? even now, expect pandradhuku kooda thagudhiye/URIMAI illayo nu irukku - :(. Just that the sense of belonging poi thozhaya mattengidhu - enakku mattum.
Timing
There is a timing concern - on work which I had touched upon on the initial blog. It is a concern that for some reason seem to drag along without the elusive break, yet.
Also, timing is a major concern on something else - in another context, where I fear my own expiry. Alas, even this feeling wise/fear too, it all starts and ends with me :(
I will keep updating this post as this is one heck of an emotional ride.....
Update:
Hahah so much easy writing this post.....phew. I can't put to words all that goes in mind....I will try to throw some random words and skip rest of it..... I can't do it.
- aama illa aama illa aama illa - kadupu le "pros" words came it seems. then me ? what about thyself ? the one who felt the actions of those words and stood alone, always alone - brutally. why no kaduppu le words came from me? Words reveal motives
- Mature. I have been mature when the most hard moments came and gave up for the sake of the larger good. Why, I thought being true will result in reciprocation from all else. What did I get ?
- Even now I worry if I what I say/ask/advice will be interpreted as immature ? have I thought about hard outcomes etc ? Yes, I have. Yet, what I ask is what I ask. What I say is true. Hard or otherwise.
- However, who am I to even give up - what right I even have?? - when I had been forsaken so easily. It doesn't matter if I so deeply believe somebody belonged/belog to me - however/whenever - to realize that feeling was never concerned/cared for and reciprocated in action ever, it all falls apart. On top of it, to know the life that was done - my goodness, that was just so dis-respectful and hurting. Enough said. It is not that not knowing about that context would make hurt go away. It is just being that way, there - hurts. Just being there hurts. hard. idhe vidava kashtam iruka mudiyum? வா டி.
- what words. (na & all). what emotions. what actions. what smileys. what angeekaram.
robe eh innum haunt pannudhu...idhule vera ennamo vera :(. ennalamo. - iraiva.
- while somebody always chose to abide.....to expectation or other thing or their own wishes, I have always been offering out of the way stuff, why?
- Duplicity - hurt me .....saying one and being otherwise hurt me the most. Even now, after hearing all I said, what happened in June? that too after a context that got formed on it's own. To destroy that and to go on to create current mess, artificially, the planning, the works all behind my back. Why? For what ? To realize all these happening since the time of my ping - even in feb, march, april - only May got skipped or what not and in June. Phew. I didn't intend to ruin any situation/raja vazkai or demand what I said to be done but to even not offer any consideration to me - given it is me who is speaking/expressing - phew. I said what I felt or advice as is + what is good, real good not temporary or fake :(
Btw, ippo kooda enkitta irundhu endha words um varliye - for all aama/illa and what had happened. words reveal motives. words show you care.
- Lack of response. While I always assumed the lack of response - emotional or otherwise - due to the context, I'm forced to now think if this is due to the fact that those emotions/feelings of somebody have found another shoulders wherever whatever ? :'(
Somebody may have no idea how much it hurts - the above sentence - coz it is with very very very few people one is sensitive & there will ever be any expectation ever - and to have those denied/go away/ willingly avoided just like that - is just hurtful denial of an unexplainable order. I never did this - ever. Forsaken is a small tiny word.
Anyways, all I ever wanted to post was - நான் ஒரு நாலு தடவை கூடவா சொல்லி இருக்க மாட்டேன் ? yet why the hesitation even now. And here I was saying about kambili poochi and gazillion thoughts - stupid funny foolish innocent ignorant me. yet back to school or
'P-vitamins' would take current consideration over what I had mentioned/asked etc. Sometimes (at-least sometimes, at-least now), doing the right thing matters more than being away or feeling undeserving or going thru pain or what not. Right now, it is the timing issue - do atleast this.
Nevertheless, it appears like - நான் ஒரு நாலு தடவை கூடவா சொல்லி இருக்க மாட்டேன் ? Anyways, what right do I even have ? Like beauty, avamanam is also in the eyes of the beholder. Could there be more avamanam than not being true?
Time ticking etc is all in my feelings/fear only :'( elsewhere onnume kanum. Konjam belief, action - enakaga panna than enna ? even now, expect pandradhuku kooda thagudhiye/URIMAI illayo nu irukku - :(. Just that the sense of belonging poi thozhaya mattengidhu - enakku mattum.
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