~ BE ~

Yearn

Too much, sometimes.

Haha

kandukondain kandukondain - கண்டுகொண்டேன் கண்டுகொண்டேன்

https://youtu.be/cuiyfr3GsqI

Like most, I have always liked the pada pada Aidh character in this movie.

It was ARR music that got me back to Tabu/Ajith meeting at the end and the BGM.

Then, I stumbled upon this a few days ago...what to say. Just love this character. Big big eyes of Tabu especially.

This movie is well written - each character is so good and many are real. This character is particularly attractive coz there are ambitions involved but situation deals a bad blow and the character deals with it so subtly realistic - the nod by Tabu st 24 secs - is so real and hitting the heart.

As a tribute and honoring women, I post this as many women around us are this way. Silent but strong and striving in their own manner, while managing other responsibilities etc. They may or may not end up being trailblazers but they are the movers who push the humanity forward.

Sadly the director's next Saevam thala mayam didn't address the casteism aspect - it soft punched it

Parched - land.

Long ago, I thought, even if I was the last man/human on earth, I would still like to be the happy at those moments - coz I love to live life.

Haha - I don't know if I still retain the same thought. It is fair to say, life has given me enough moments to feel not so eager to that thought or life itself.

Sometimes, it is good to have some love in life. Love in all it's forms - affection, care, closeness intimate blah blah. One also needs to be shown to be loved.

Nevertheless. Parched - land that yearns for a drop of water...and more of water.

BABA Movie Scene

There is this scene in BABA movie.

I had seen this scene many times before and have always liked the reasoning that Thalaivar character makes in that movie. His deliberations inside his mind felt very insightful as it would present the reality of the life ahead of him in a married life.

Even after having seen, understood, bought in to this philosophy, I wonder why I had done the path prescribed against. Hehe.

Heartache makes me appreciate the deliberations and the feelings expressed in this scene. Having said that, logical mind questions another aspect: 

"if the trouble of married life or (forget the marriage custom) being with a companion + having the next gen/child, raising it is hard", 

If the mother/father character of the Thalaivar character in the movie had thought the same, would he have existed in the first place ? 

(Hello: grandfather paradox theory in time travel concept)

So, this thought process is all about avoiding certain responsibilities ? is it a bit selfish? 

Nevertheless, heart-ache it is.

NewYork Nagaram

In one of my earlier posts, un-changing, I had mentioned about how some songs just transport me back in time.

Happened to think of this song and I immediately played it on youtube, closed my eyes and just listened to it. Although I like the way this song was pictured or shot visually, I just wanted to listen to it. My thoughts wandered to the year 2006 and for some reason, my memory serves this song with Chennai's rainy season, night time cab rides and the wet roads. May be that is when I have heard this song often. I'm also able to recollect my home from 2007, where I remember humming this song in the hall while watching it on TV. 

At 1:41, I love how Jo would slip in to the chair nonchalantly after the camera just moved past it and pretend as if she had been sitting all the time. Likewise, at 4:32, va anbe, neeyum vandhai, how Jo would just walk right in to the stretched arms of Surya (although holding the railings) as if it is her place and also like a lego piece completing him. Btw, I have always loved the Black or dark blue blazer with blue shirt combination of Surya's costume.  Also, I have always tried to hum the following bits and would still try now as well: 

• at 3:16 oooooh oh oh oh oho oh oooooho ohhhooooo and will end up losing my breath.
• at 4:40 ye ye ye ye ye yayi yayi yayiii

In 2006, this song came across like a breath of fresh air, synonyms with the name of the movie - chillunu oru kadhal. I like almost all the songs of this movie - it all felt new but more so in a calming soothing way. In a recent interview, Jo shared that this song was not shot in NY, contrary to the name of the song. I realized this the first time I saw this song as the landscape and the city background shown at various times felt distinctly not NY and more like European.

(May be) Human is Divine

May be Human is Divine.

What is divine ? why this term divine or god - used to compare human? Why can't be human be just human. Btw, how is the "term" god different from the "term" good ?

Trouble is - there is no single definition of what is good. What is good can be totally otherwise in a different set up or later time or may be not. 

The difficulty is determining what is good or bad - may be it is all a perspective (something I wrote a long while back - about 14-15 years ago). 

So what is god then ? ok too much of a digression and wandering on this topic. 

In an earlier post - Aham  Brahmasmi - I shared a video. In this post, I'm going to share a bunch of them - ones that I have liked.

May be Human is Divine

Evan da saami ? Aham Brahmasmi

அக்கரமத்தை பார்த்து கொதிச்சு எழுறே அத்தனை பேரும் சாமி தான் டா

சாமியே உள்ளேயே வச்சிக்கிட்டு வெளிய தேடுறாங்க 

முன்ன பின்ன தெரியாத ஒரு பையனுக்காக கண்ணீர் விடுறே அந்த மனசு இருக்கே, அது தான் கடவுள். என் னா நானும் கடவுள். 


புரியலே லே - புரிய கூடாது அதான் கடவுள் 

Anbe Sivam - has a bunch of good scenes.
Link 1: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fk62UuX3rHw
Link 2: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d7BIFuWmt3s


God is nowhere --> god is now here

This is probably one of the best scenes where the need for god is discussed in realistic terms.

haha - in this video, at 13 secs, my name comes :) 

“நானும் இல்லையடி நாதனும் இல்லையடி: தானும் இல்லையடி: சற்குரு இல்லையடி"

I would like to make the title for this video like this.

God is nowhere <--> god is now here

The reason why I choose to be a vegetarian

This is the reason why I want to remain a vegetarian - and avoid animal products.

Not for religion. Not for crap caste

96 Movie

96 Tamil Movie 

பேரன்பே காதல்

உள்நோக்கி ஆடுகின்ற ஆடல்.

சதா, ஆறாத ஆவல்

ஏதேதோ சாயல்

ஏற்றி திரியும் காதல்

பிரத்யேக தேடல்

தீயில் தீராத காற்றில்

புல்  பூண்டில் புழுவில்

உளதில் இலதில் .

தானே, எல்லாமும் ஆகி

நாம் காணும் ரூபமே

இத்தியாகி காதல்.

இல்லாத போதும்

தேடும் தேடல்

சதா, மாறாது காதல்

மன்றாடும் போதும்

மாற்று கருத்தில் மோதும்

மாளாத ஊடல்.

ஆ.. ஆ..

ஆ.. ஆ..

நாம் இந்த தீயில்

வீடு கட்டும் தீக்குச்சி.

நாம் இந்த காற்றில்

ஊஞ்சல் கட்டும் தூசி.

நாம் இந்த நீரில்

வாழ்க்கை ஓட்டும்  நீர் பூச்சி.

நாம் இந்த காம்பில்

காமத்தின் ருசி.

காதல் கண்ணீரில்  சிலந்தி

காதல் விண்மீனின் மெகந்தி

காதல் மெய்யான வதந்தி

காலந்தோறும் தொடரும் டைரி

காதல் தெய்வீக எதிரி

காதல் சாத்தானின் விசிறி

காதல் ஆன்மாவின்  புலரி

வாழ்ந்து பெட்ர டிகிரி

ஓர்  விடைகுள்ளே

வினாவெல்லாம் பதுங்குதேஆ... நான் கரைந்ததே

மறைந்ததே முடிந்ததே ஆ...

கொஞ்சும் பூரணமே வா

நீ கொஞ்சம் எழிலிசையே

பஞ்ச வர்ண பூதம்

நெஞ்சம் நெறையுதே

காண்பதெல்லாம் காதலடி..

காதலே காதலே

தனிப்பெரும் துணையே

கூட வா கூட வா போதும் போதும்

காதலே காதலே வாழ்வின் நீளம்

போகலாம்  போகவா  நீ....

ஆ திகம்பரி

வலம்புரி

சுயம்பு நீ

ஆ..பிரகாரம் நீ

பிரபாவம் நீ

பிரபாகம்  நீ நீ

ஆ.. ஆ.. சிங்காரம் நீ

ஆங்காரம் நீ

ஓங்காரம் நீ நீ நீ

அந்தாதி நீ அந்தாதி நீ

அந்தாதி நீ நீ

ம்ம்ம் தேட வேண்டாம்
முன் அறிவிப்பின்றி வரும்
அதன் வருகையை
இதயம் உரக்க சொல்லும்

காதல்..காதல்
ஒரு நாள் உங்களை வந்தடையும்
அதை அள்ளி அனைத்துக்கொள்ளுங்கள்
அன்பாக பார்த்து கொள்ளுங்கள்

காதல் தங்கும்
காதல் தயங்கும்
காதல் சிரிக்கும்
காதல் இனிக்கும்
காதல் கவிதைகள் வரையும்
காதல் கலங்கும்
காதல் குழம்பும்
காதல் ஓரளவுக்கு புரியும்
காதல் விலகும்
காதல் பிரியும்
கதவுகளை மூடாமல் வழி அனுப்புங்கள்.
காத்திருங்கள்.

ஒரு வேலை காதல் திரும்பினால்
தூரத்தில் தயங்கி நின்றால்.
அருகில் செல்லுங்கள்
அன்புடன் பேசுங்கள்
போதும் காதல் உங்கள் வசம்
உள்ளம் காதல் வசம்
மாற்றங்களே வினா
மாற்றங்களே விடை

காதல்

Pulling in to pit ?

Pulling in to a pit ?

If I ever had any intent to do anything like that, I would have not done what I had done in 2010. I let go, said the painful words and behaved selflessly despite all the odds. Anybody willing to put somebody in pit or to trouble them/family, won't have done that. Enough said.

Sometimes, one ought to trust.  At-least, not humiliate.


கல்லால் அடித்த அடி வலிக்கவில்லை உன் சொல்லால் அடித்த அடி வலிக்குதடி 

நல்லது செய்ய நெனச்சா நல்ல நேரம் எதுக்கு - நம்பிக்கை உள்ள மனசுக்கு நாலு தெசையும் கிழக்கு

In life, it doesn't matter how you feel.

How one feels doesn't really matter or have any impact on others/somebody.

It doesn't matter - especially your feelings - given what you had done in the past - it is all past. Well it was not past when it was happening at that time, right ? Yet, it didn't matter - those feelings or those actions. Your actions or feelings were little to nothing when all somebody could feel was their feeling towards amma. Well, it didn't occur to somebody or tothe amma that - amma feeling need not have so much influence on this regard. Yet, it was always those feelings. How much ever one gave up - being true, didn't matter. Or how would have one been through all the time after certain things were brutally done? 

Even if things are forgotten by tablets medicine, won't something tug the heart ? Phew the raja vazkai. kevalamana அருவருப்பான sarasari vazkai.

In life, it doesn't matter how you feel.

Even now, it didn't matter - when one expressed their true motherly and sincere feelings - ennai pethare - & the madi emotions were all result of yearnings suppressed for years. All these didnt matter to warrant even a moment to pause and think.

When nadha expressed itself, I was overwhelmed with joy. Yet not withstanding the context, I just wanted a connect regardless of consequences coz it was always stripped of me and I feel cheated coz of this. Yet, nadha was withered away and my intent was something else to agree for that. When the kanneer came during those days despite my best efforts to suppress, it was pure miss emotions that is so dear to me - pure. I don't think I have missed anybody or yearned for anybody as much.

 In life, it doesn't matter how you feel.

Oh the terrible June. Despite the hall padukai and the emotional feelings of that time, what happened soon after conveys only one thing. It doesn't matter how I feel. It is not just the act but the communication with me during those times were as cold as cold could ever be. And today was 11th too. :(

pic.twitter.com/gNlg44Otbd

— Nathan SP (நாதன்) (@nathan_sp21) 11 ஜூன், 2018

அறிஞர் அண்ணா இறந்தவுடன் கலைஞர் கருணாநிதி எழுதியது - 

எதையும் தாங்கும் இதயம் வேண்டுமென்றாய்
இதையும் தாங்க ஏதண்ணா எமக்கிதயம்?

நான் என்ன குரங்கு சாமியா? நெஞ்ச தொறந்து காட்றதுக்கு? கண்ணீர் சிந்தினேன், குருதி (ரத்தம்) யும் சிந்தினேன், இனிமேல் சிந்துவதற்கு ஏதுமில்லை எம்மிடம்.

இதற்காக தானே இவ்வளவு கேட்குறேன். நான் இதுவரை எதையுமே கேட்டதில்லையே. Yet, In life, it doesn't matter how I feel, even now.

While Kannan said - கடமை செய், பலனை எதிர்பார்க்காதே, Thalaivar Rajini said -
கடமை செய், பலனை எதிர் பார்


http://www.rediff.com/news/2008/nov/06rajni.htm

Anyways, I have done my kadamai - all my actions. Is it so hard to do some action back? Even this whole action is within one's control and hands? Despite repeated asking/, anger/pleading/குத்து/எட்டி மிதி/order/helplessness - since end of june - it doesn't matter how I feel, even now. Atlanta --> Dallas itself I went long back. Is the remedy for current mess is at such a far distance? or is the distance so far in heart to do anything, to me? ஜூன் 11 & 13 போக முடிஞ்சிதே 

In life, it doesn't matter how one feels.

Having always hid the way I felt or held it secondary to something else/given up all the while, the magnitude of the mess is so huge, I expressed how I feel. Yet, to realize that even this doesnt warrant any consideration/action :(

In life, it doesn't matter how one feels.



நல்லது செய்ய நெனச்சா நல்ல நேரம் எதுக்கு - நம்பிக்கை உள்ள மனசுக்கு நாலு தெசையும் கிழக்கு  

...

...

இன்று மிகவும் உணர்ச்சி வாய்ப்பட்டு இருக்கிறேன்.
ஒன்று  கலைஞர் இருந்து (7-Aug-2018) இருப்பதனால் மிகவும் உணர்ச்சி வாய்ப்பட்டு இருக்கிறேன்.

இன்னும் ஒன்று....

ஒவவொரு முறையும் எனக்காக எதாவது செய்யப்படும் செய்யப்படும் என்று எண்ணி வேண்டி இருக்கிறேன் 


The key word here is - எனக்காக,

எல்லா முறையும் ஏமாற்றம் ஒன்றே எனக்கு பதிலாக அமைந்தது.
ஏமாற்றத்துக்கு ஏமாற்றம் வராதா என்று நான் ஏங்காத நாளில்லை

ஒரு முறை கூட பெற எனக்கு வாய்ப்பு இல்லை? வக்கு இல்லையா ?

இப்போ கூட - அன்பு, நியாயம், உரிமை கேட்டேன். கடைசியாக, ஒரே ஒரு முறை, என் மேல இருக்றே உறவு (unnoda vayale sonne), அதன் உரிமையால், ஒரே ஒரு கட்டளை சொன்னேன். எந்த ஒரு காரணமும் இயலாமையும் கூடாது என்று கேட்டு கொண்டேன். 

http://nathansp.blogspot.com/2018/08/vitamin-c.html

எப்போதுமே இன்னும் ஒரு அம்மாவிற்கு ஏமாற்றம் வந்து விட கூடாது அப்படி என்று நான் எடுத்தேன் முடிவு - உண்மைக்காகவும் தான். ஆனால், ஏன் ஆள் மனசுலே இருக்றே இந்த அம்மா, மற்றும் எனக்கு ஏமாற்றம் ?  


கட்டளையை தயவு செய்து செய் - என்னோட உணர்ச்சிக்காவது ஒரு மதிப்பு கொடு. 
http://nathansp.blogspot.com/2018/08/vitamin-c.html

கடவுள் மேல எனக்கு நம்பிக்கை இருக்கா இல்லையா என்று தெரியாமல், இல்லை என்ற இடத்திற்கு அருகில் நான் இருக்கையில், யார் மேலயும் பாரம் போடாமல், பாரம் போடவும் முடியாமல் - எல்லாம் அவன்/அவள் பார்த்துப்பான் என்ற அந்த ஆறுதல் கூட அவ்வளவாக தேட முடியாத நேரத்தில், தன்னோட மனசு, அறம், மனசாட்சி, உணர்ச்சி மட்டுமே ஒரே ஆறுதல். அதற்காவது ஒரு இடம் வேண்டும், மனசு மற்றும் உணர்ச்சிக்கு.

நான் வேற எதுவுமே கேட்டது இல்லை. 

அப்போ என்னோட அமைதி எவ்வளவு ஆண்டுகள் ? 

ஏமாற்றத்துக்கு ஏமாற்றம் வராதா என்று நான் ஏங்காத நாளில்லை

...

Vitamin C - TABLETS

TABLETS
2 Tablets | 2 Days | Order

As is - 2

As the 'As is' post, this post will likely be as is...

Timing

There is a timing concern - on work which I had touched upon on the initial blog. It is a concern that for some reason seem to drag along without the elusive break, yet. 


Also, timing is a major concern on something else - in another context, where I fear my own expiry. Alas, even this feeling wise/fear too, it all starts and ends with me :(

I will keep updating this post as this is one heck of an emotional ride.....


Update: 

Hahah so much easy writing this post.....phew. I can't put to words all that goes in mind....I will try to throw some random words and skip rest of it..... I can't do it.


- aama illa aama illa aama illa - kadupu le "pros" words came it seems. then me ? what about thyself ? the one who felt the actions of those words and stood alone, always alone - brutally. why no kaduppu le words came from me? Words reveal motives

- Mature. I have been mature when the most hard moments came and gave up for the sake of the larger good. Why, I thought being true will result in reciprocation from all else. What did I get ? 

- Even now I worry if I what I say/ask/advice will be interpreted as immature ? have I thought about hard outcomes etc ? Yes, I have. Yet, what I ask is what I ask. What I say is true. Hard or otherwise.

- However, who am I to even give up - what right I even have?? - when I had been forsaken so easily. It doesn't matter if I so deeply believe somebody belonged/belog to me - however/whenever - to realize that feeling was never concerned/cared for and reciprocated in action ever, it all falls apart. On top of it, to know the life that was done - my goodness, that was just so dis-respectful and hurting. Enough said. It is not that not knowing about that context would make hurt go away. It is just being that way, there - hurts. Just being there hurts. hard. idhe vidava kashtam iruka mudiyum? வா டி.

- what words. (na & all). what emotions. what actions. what smileys. what angeekaram.
robe eh innum haunt pannudhu...idhule vera ennamo vera :(. ennalamo. - iraiva. 

- while somebody always chose to abide.....to expectation or other thing or their own wishes, I have always been offering out of the way stuff, why? 

- Duplicity - hurt me .....saying one and being otherwise hurt me the most. Even now, after hearing all I said, what happened in June? that too after a context that got formed on it's own. To destroy that and to go on to create current mess, artificially, the planning, the works all behind my back. Why? For what ?  To realize all these happening since the time of my ping - even in feb, march, april - only May got skipped or what not and in June. Phew. I didn't intend to ruin any situation/raja vazkai or demand what I said to be done but to even not offer any consideration to me - given it is me who is speaking/expressing - phew. I said what I felt or advice as is + what is good, real good not temporary or fake :(

Btw, ippo kooda enkitta irundhu endha words um varliye - for all aama/illa and what had happened. words reveal motives. words show you care.

- Lack of response. While I always assumed the lack of response - emotional or otherwise - due to the context, I'm forced to now think if this is due to the fact that those emotions/feelings of somebody have found another shoulders wherever whatever ? :'(

Somebody may have no idea how much it hurts - the above sentence - coz it is with very very very few people one is sensitive & there will ever be any expectation ever - and to have those denied/go away/ willingly avoided just like that - is just hurtful denial of an unexplainable order. I never did this - ever. Forsaken is a small tiny word. 

Anyways, all I ever wanted to post was - நான் ஒரு நாலு தடவை கூடவா சொல்லி இருக்க மாட்டேன் ? yet why the hesitation even now. And here I was saying about kambili poochi and gazillion thoughts - stupid funny foolish innocent ignorant me.  yet back to school or 
'P-vitamins' would take current consideration over what I had mentioned/asked etc. Sometimes (at-least sometimes, at-least now), doing the right thing matters more than being away or feeling undeserving or going thru pain or what not. Right now, it is the timing issue - do atleast this.

Nevertheless, it appears like - நான் ஒரு நாலு தடவை கூடவா சொல்லி இருக்க மாட்டேன் ? Anyways, what right do I even have ? Like beauty, avamanam is also in the eyes of the beholder. Could there be more avamanam than not being true?

Time ticking etc is all in my feelings/fear only :'( elsewhere onnume kanum. Konjam belief, action - enakaga panna than enna ? even now, expect pandradhuku kooda thagudhiye/URIMAI illayo nu irukku - :(. Just that the sense of belonging poi thozhaya mattengidhu - enakku mattum.

Kaathalae Kaathalae

Kaathalae Kaathalae Song

96 Movie Teaser

Trisha dress looks like Pineapple/Mango and Vijay Sethupathi like earthy green/brown papaya

Inside.Outside

https://www.goalcast.com/2018/02/13/14-pablo-neruda-quotes/

Martin Luther King Jr quotes

Alone

Deep inside, I'm like above.

There is a space where nobody is really with me - for my thoughts/wish/yearn. In some cases it is hard for them to be there - even my family - and I understand that. However, that doesn't change what is deep inside me.

My only feeling is - there is got to be a reason for this deep inside - despite all the things. 

What if I'm right ?

All I ever wanted and yearn is the care that somebody wanted to provide as amma but believe I have instead taken care like a daughter and provided all.

Yet, when even somebody deserted/deserts me, even in this deep space of manasu - for which I requested not to - I'm even more alone.

On top of it, to know the life that was lived - all feelings and amorous, I have to weepingly resign.  What words, what feelings, what spontaneity,, what smileys - eppovume beating/vibrating heart.....




what actions that followed :(. aiyyo

In some context, the feeling that I have guarded so close & been true, I was made to realize I no longer have a place & have been forsaken. Time turned the wheels too fast. Sadly as it may sound for me, that is the truth & reality.

I'm heartbroken, weeping sad. But, I accept.

— Nathan SP (நாதன்) (@nathan_sp21) July 26, 2018

Deepest care is the biggest sorrow in this world.

When people SHOW you your place, believe it. pic.twitter.com/P3HhDcRAyy

— Nathan SP (நாதன்) (@nathan_sp21) July 24, 2018

Life philosophy

பறவை ஓட குணமே பறக்கிறது தான் டா.

வாழ்வா சாவா என்று அது முடிவு பண்ணட்டும் 

உன்னோட இந்த கருணை சாவை விட கொடுமை ஆனது 

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உண்மை ஓட குணமும்