I like writing. I like writing/scribbling down my thoughts and musings - random or otherwise, I write. I take good care in my effort to articulate my thoughts as clear as possible - these writings will reflect me over the years. There is a long pending blog post - about inequality - that is almost 3+ years in the making. Although I have not been actively working on it, whenever I come across any article or video or any information that I can use for this post, I save it. I intend to complete it sometime but I'm going to use one of the images of that post in here as well. Off late, sometimes, I use songs as a metaphorical medium to convey certain intent. I find this useful to retain the abstract'ness' of my post and also hope to not reveal more than necessary. This keeps the blog post applicable and attributable for various reasons and scenarios. Also, it allows me to be lazy and not write more but still convey, in some crude form or otherwise, some meaning alongside the video/song post. However, in this blog post, I intend to remove a layer or two of the abstract nature and hope to write - as is.
Timing
Timing and me have always been having a strange relationship. In some cases, I have had the fortune of good timing. But, in many cases, it has not been so. For instance, the current quagmire with regard to the immigration influenced job related events, for lack of better word, is unfolding like a slow disaster that ought to be addressed sooner than later. There literally was nothing that I could have done to anticipate certain things ahead as these processes were supposed to happen as status quo and nothing out of ordinary was expected. However, things happened exactly the opposite manner and I reacted based on it and assessed the outcomes that can help in my current set up - as is - and followed up on those lines for few weeks. Later, after concluding it may not work, I decided to look other ways too. And, even outside, the process is dragging and the elusive break through, based on few preference, is yet to happen and I hope it occurs soon. Having said that, the card dealt to me was bad - on timing wise - in terms of immigration related work authorization. Wherever I could think ahead last year, I did and there was literally nothing I could have done different to alter the current situation - but for having ventured a guess/assumption correctly the current outcome.
Timing wise, there is another thing that has kind of haunted me since a long time. Although I had done all that I could even at that time, it was a wrong timing issue but amenable nevertheless. Anyways, coming to the present moment, in one of my earlier blog post Hurt, I had spoken about the raw form of the hurt and that is so true. Despite all my other activities and distractions, the feel of hurt is so heavy that I can literally drown in it's weight. It is physically perceptible, especially when I'm alone and the heaviness can literally sink me. It is hard to describe it and may even be laughing matter for people who may not have visibility in to the entirety of the context. But to have the events happen as it did and to be disregarded, even in thoughts wise, is something one can never prepare for. It is worse than death.
Come to think of it, the whole thing from the beginning has multiple emotions/feelings and many other things but if I can make an attempt at classifying them, can briefly put it in to these boxes - feelings/emotions, the way the events had happened and the subsequent wronged angle. While it is hard to keep aside any of these, just for argument sake, I try to keep aside (momentarily) the first two things and look at the wronged angle in detail. What is this wronged angle? I have a deep feeling of wronged, being tricked and deceived, ever so cleverly and ever so skillfully, and quietly. I feel wronged not just for myself. I feel wronged even for the whole thing - the emotions/feelings - it is just wrong, at multiple levels. Now, for the feeling wronged, am I seeking anything? May be, I'm. I never really thought that is something I ought to do. But, it has to happen or I had hoped for it.
Now, what is that I had hoped for? From my point of view, what is the feeling I have? Is it justice or revenge? In a moment of rage, these two feelings can overlap and sometimes they both seem one and the same (at that moment). However, I have seen a definition that clearly differentiated between both. And, they are never the same.
Justice is about harmony (afterwards). Revenge is about one (affected one) making oneself feel better (afterwards).
Thankfully, I have always been speaking of the word - அநீதி. Also, one will seek revenge for their own, right ? Even if I may feel somebody as my own, what right would I have if I was not offered the same feeling of belonging back ? How can I seek revenge, if at all ? Even if I wanted revenge, why would I let go and talk about all other considerations many times before? And let go ?? Having said these, when some can conveniently deny the truth and continue to do so, where will I ever go, if at all ? The thing with truth is - it is same - for everybody. May be, this is the reason why I have always felt uncomfortable/bothered - as truth is covered up somewhere, and I'm part of the truth, my ability to be true, also gets covered up. Anyways, whatever. I didn't need to look at all these subtle layers in the wronged feeling and analyze them but doing it, just so I can be able to clear things for myself, at the very least. But, question remains, is there true sense of harmony - inside? Outside can be faked/time will make it norm but inside pulungifying ? Harmony ?
As the above quote from buddha says, it is hard to keep truth hidden. What is true for me is the fact that I'm forsaken. I have always been forsaken. There was never really a physical presence but what recently happened was the most hardest thing ever - forsaken even from the thought wise. Forsaken is actually a smaller word compared to the hurt. In the past, I could attribute circumstances and others and other reasons for being forsaken but this time, it was not the case and that hurt the most. However, that is the truth. I'm sad coz - there is an innate way to me - enthusiastic, energetic, spark in my eyes, playful etc. On all likelihood, those are my spirit. I always retain them. I feel they may have gone from me and that hurts me :( coz it is so sad, for myself. Anyways, let's see.....is asking for some love to be shown such a bad thing ?
Reality creates it's own truth over time and due to the context. While that aspect of it cannot be denied, reality may not replace or erase certain core aspect of truth, hidden or otherwise. Anyways, while I may appear to have the ability to accommodate many things now, I do have righteous anger and it is not that somebody had not done any mistakes whatsoever. There have been many. It is just the context that forced such a mistake has superseded these mistakes but they are still disgusting as hell. If possible, I will square the kambili poochi count of the above - crawling even for panividai's/inevitable/sarasari/whatever. And square that count with thoughts of me all over. all around. all places. all time. all activities. all situations. in every nanosecond of visual/hearing/feeling/breathing living moments that not a single breath can go in/out without this thought. Always. Enough said. And, I wish/want to show some of my anger but I want to have some rightful context to even express them. Also, for the feeling of amma, ironically, in 2008 Yes+ utsav, Bawa said - "one can absolutely love their parents and completely disobey them". Actually, love and discipline/obeying need not be mutually exclusive, especially in some of the things like study or passion or things like the ones being discussed. Anyways, I was considerate of this aspect as well - only to be like a fool. Even now :D. Nevertheless, timing wise, it is amenable.
Btw, if there are some feelings in aazh manasu, as being claimed, and yet I have felt this way due to truth, what will "mana'saakshi" feel if truth reveals itself in the most honest way in the future? or when manasaatchi keeps searching for the truth? May be this is what I have always been trying to say. Anyways, in the below video of buddha quotes, the aspect of anger and clinging on - is applicable to me. May be. But hey, what am I clinging on if I gave up myself with the request of being true? So may be not. Not sure.
Is asking for some love to be shown such a bad thing? Anyways, what right do I have or ever had, as is, Who am I to have my feelings matter?
After all this, it is time for one realization. As I had mentioned earlier in this post about forsaken and in my earlier blog - Hurt - too, forsaken is true. I have always been forsaken. Either for convenience/pressure/fear/deceit/lies or what not, the eventual outcome is, I'm forsaken.
Sadly, this time, I chose to do it myself. While all the things I have mentioned above and spoken/asked/demanded remains as is, I don't have the strength to-
Timing
Timing and me have always been having a strange relationship. In some cases, I have had the fortune of good timing. But, in many cases, it has not been so. For instance, the current quagmire with regard to the immigration influenced job related events, for lack of better word, is unfolding like a slow disaster that ought to be addressed sooner than later. There literally was nothing that I could have done to anticipate certain things ahead as these processes were supposed to happen as status quo and nothing out of ordinary was expected. However, things happened exactly the opposite manner and I reacted based on it and assessed the outcomes that can help in my current set up - as is - and followed up on those lines for few weeks. Later, after concluding it may not work, I decided to look other ways too. And, even outside, the process is dragging and the elusive break through, based on few preference, is yet to happen and I hope it occurs soon. Having said that, the card dealt to me was bad - on timing wise - in terms of immigration related work authorization. Wherever I could think ahead last year, I did and there was literally nothing I could have done different to alter the current situation - but for having ventured a guess/assumption correctly the current outcome.
Timing wise, there is another thing that has kind of haunted me since a long time. Although I had done all that I could even at that time, it was a wrong timing issue but amenable nevertheless. Anyways, coming to the present moment, in one of my earlier blog post Hurt, I had spoken about the raw form of the hurt and that is so true. Despite all my other activities and distractions, the feel of hurt is so heavy that I can literally drown in it's weight. It is physically perceptible, especially when I'm alone and the heaviness can literally sink me. It is hard to describe it and may even be laughing matter for people who may not have visibility in to the entirety of the context. But to have the events happen as it did and to be disregarded, even in thoughts wise, is something one can never prepare for. It is worse than death.
Come to think of it, the whole thing from the beginning has multiple emotions/feelings and many other things but if I can make an attempt at classifying them, can briefly put it in to these boxes - feelings/emotions, the way the events had happened and the subsequent wronged angle. While it is hard to keep aside any of these, just for argument sake, I try to keep aside (momentarily) the first two things and look at the wronged angle in detail. What is this wronged angle? I have a deep feeling of wronged, being tricked and deceived, ever so cleverly and ever so skillfully, and quietly. I feel wronged not just for myself. I feel wronged even for the whole thing - the emotions/feelings - it is just wrong, at multiple levels. Now, for the feeling wronged, am I seeking anything? May be, I'm. I never really thought that is something I ought to do. But, it has to happen or I had hoped for it.
Now, what is that I had hoped for? From my point of view, what is the feeling I have? Is it justice or revenge? In a moment of rage, these two feelings can overlap and sometimes they both seem one and the same (at that moment). However, I have seen a definition that clearly differentiated between both. And, they are never the same.
Justice is about harmony (afterwards). Revenge is about one (affected one) making oneself feel better (afterwards).
Thankfully, I have always been speaking of the word - அநீதி. Also, one will seek revenge for their own, right ? Even if I may feel somebody as my own, what right would I have if I was not offered the same feeling of belonging back ? How can I seek revenge, if at all ? Even if I wanted revenge, why would I let go and talk about all other considerations many times before? And let go ?? Having said these, when some can conveniently deny the truth and continue to do so, where will I ever go, if at all ? The thing with truth is - it is same - for everybody. May be, this is the reason why I have always felt uncomfortable/bothered - as truth is covered up somewhere, and I'm part of the truth, my ability to be true, also gets covered up. Anyways, whatever. I didn't need to look at all these subtle layers in the wronged feeling and analyze them but doing it, just so I can be able to clear things for myself, at the very least. But, question remains, is there true sense of harmony - inside? Outside can be faked/time will make it norm but inside pulungifying ? Harmony ?
As this above tweet says, I have always strived to get people to form their own opinion and never forced, at least on important things. Come to think of it, right after my first yes+, I had arranged for my first intro talk at Ascendas in sep 2007 and nothing really came out of it. I never pushed anybody or forced them incessantly. And, participation eventually happened later in 2008 June during Yes+ utsav program. I'm still the same way - have spoken for all sides and consequences, although none had ever spoken for my side or the whole "wronged" side ever. Ever. Manipulation - me? haha. I'm too naive for all these things. I don't know to say one thing at airport and then later completely behave opposite of it when somebody claimed something that whatever didn't like. I'm too naive to shout abuses at somebody - pros - or whatever, that too just after 40 days of whatever crap time spent just coz events are unfolding (sadly so) truly but in a manner they didn't want. It continued to unfold in this manner umpteen times. I'm too naive to wish things like - neenga nimmadhiya irukave vida matten, when somebody took a stand against whatever. Manipulation and me. Haha. I can never pull of such a gruesome thing and not have it shown on my face or not feel guilty/remorseful and let go. Heck, I only know to keep saying you don't owe me anything.
The above is an image from the wonderful movie - moodar koodam - and I would like to use this phrase in my "inequality" post as well. It defines - what is stealing - it is not just the act of taking something inappropriately, it is also the act of preventing somebody from taking what is theirs. How is it applicable here ? Well, do I need to elaborate that as well - the umpteen instances when somebody said about not belonging somewhere - even up to the events in 2010, how did whatever behave ? On top of this, when events were forced and when somebody landed after medication and still under medication, what amorous activities happened ? How ? Really ? Any expression/emotion that originated henceforth - after such an amorous activity - is an insult - to the word genuine itself. To perceive it as genuine.......
Fuck that crap. Fuck that crap. FUCK.THAT.CRAP.
Genuine is letting go and standing helpless despite doing all that can possibly be done. Genuine is letting go even when one can capitalize/manipulate somebody when they had power but choosing to not do that and giving a proper advice, despite it being against one's want. I heard a saying - "fair weather good people" - those who are good only in fair weather. If the weather turns bad, then they also likely turn bad. People's character ought to be judged not when things happen according to their way, but how they are when it didn't. Also, abide, abide, abide/inevitable, sarasari - won't some cells in the body have some indignation or rowthiram or dhariyum or bit of honor to avoid this amorous crap? I wish gazillions of gazillion googol billion crawling kambili poochi on each cell/atom/proton/neutron/electron in the current set up. Patience is not a virtue of whatever when status quo itself is the ideal solution that there is - as any shake up of it will result in jeopardy of status quo. Hence, why will anybody be not patient? If there was genuineness, won't the inner struggles of somebody be not perceptible so far? If perceived, was the true nature understood and the hard choices it warrants, considered and discussed? Or let somebody else struggle and undergo a 'sacrifice' for whatever's sake nu easier "meetings" alone conducted? Why must a sacrifice even be continued if it is well known/realized as sacrifice? Also, when somebody took a stand, instead of ack it, if their stand is threatened saying - neenga nimmadhiyave iruka vida matten, is that genuine ? Chuck me in that neenga - I don't need to be cared for. But what about somebody else that they supposedly SHOW as having feelings love for ? Is that genuine? The answer is obvious - it is never genuine - these are acts of grabbing (stealing) somebody and later trying a hard selling of care and affection to make up for their inability to be genuine. On top of it, unconditional vera ketkadhu - thu.
As the above quote from buddha says, it is hard to keep truth hidden. What is true for me is the fact that I'm forsaken. I have always been forsaken. There was never really a physical presence but what recently happened was the most hardest thing ever - forsaken even from the thought wise. Forsaken is actually a smaller word compared to the hurt. In the past, I could attribute circumstances and others and other reasons for being forsaken but this time, it was not the case and that hurt the most. However, that is the truth. I'm sad coz - there is an innate way to me - enthusiastic, energetic, spark in my eyes, playful etc. On all likelihood, those are my spirit. I always retain them. I feel they may have gone from me and that hurts me :( coz it is so sad, for myself. Anyways, let's see.....is asking for some love to be shown such a bad thing ?
Reality creates it's own truth over time and due to the context. While that aspect of it cannot be denied, reality may not replace or erase certain core aspect of truth, hidden or otherwise. Anyways, while I may appear to have the ability to accommodate many things now, I do have righteous anger and it is not that somebody had not done any mistakes whatsoever. There have been many. It is just the context that forced such a mistake has superseded these mistakes but they are still disgusting as hell. If possible, I will square the kambili poochi count of the above - crawling even for panividai's/inevitable/sarasari/whatever. And square that count with thoughts of me all over. all around. all places. all time. all activities. all situations. in every nanosecond of visual/hearing/feeling/breathing living moments that not a single breath can go in/out without this thought. Always. Enough said. And, I wish/want to show some of my anger but I want to have some rightful context to even express them. Also, for the feeling of amma, ironically, in 2008 Yes+ utsav, Bawa said - "one can absolutely love their parents and completely disobey them". Actually, love and discipline/obeying need not be mutually exclusive, especially in some of the things like study or passion or things like the ones being discussed. Anyways, I was considerate of this aspect as well - only to be like a fool. Even now :D. Nevertheless, timing wise, it is amenable.
Btw, if there are some feelings in aazh manasu, as being claimed, and yet I have felt this way due to truth, what will "mana'saakshi" feel if truth reveals itself in the most honest way in the future? or when manasaatchi keeps searching for the truth? May be this is what I have always been trying to say. Anyways, in the below video of buddha quotes, the aspect of anger and clinging on - is applicable to me. May be. But hey, what am I clinging on if I gave up myself with the request of being true? So may be not. Not sure.
Is asking for some love to be shown such a bad thing? Anyways, what right do I have or ever had, as is, Who am I to have my feelings matter?
After all this, it is time for one realization. As I had mentioned earlier in this post about forsaken and in my earlier blog - Hurt - too, forsaken is true. I have always been forsaken. Either for convenience/pressure/fear/deceit/lies or what not, the eventual outcome is, I'm forsaken.
Sadly, this time, I chose to do it myself. While all the things I have mentioned above and spoken/asked/demanded remains as is, I don't have the strength to-
- see somebody struggle/hurt - to live their truth. I still maintain that living the truth, understanding deceit/cheat of whatever and being just/honest is best in everybody interest.
- withstand yet another forsaken/abandonment. It is, as I mentioned above, worse than death.
I still cannot fathom how whatever can have strength to see somebody suffer this loooooonnnnng silently for their deceit/cheat/selfish nature and yet be able to ask for unconditional love and progeny vera. Thuuuuu.
Adhe vera kudukranga paaru - cha. அழிந்து. கரைந்து. ஒழியட்டும்.
I only wish a chance for truth to be true - regardless of weakness or guts or pressure or deceit. This I ask with no concern or regards for I/one. None. Anyways, the above tweets sums it up well - especially, the first tweet and the date/timing of it was a sad prophecy of me, to myself.
So, I forsake myself.
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